Craptastic: The Search for Retarded Excellence

by The Good Reverend on January 14, 2004 · 0 comments

in Miscellany

Aaron, I agree with you on both points: 1. Beautiful people generally don’t make good art, and 2. Jae reeeeaaally punked out with the disclaimer. I, too, was disappointed.

So Aaron, have you given any more thought to “craptastic”? Tried it on for size in conversations yet? Jae and the rest of you, I’ll get you up to speed…The English language, as we know, must evolve constantly. I believe there are certain areas where it went and shouldn’t have – for example “talk to the hand”, “peace out”, “yada yada yada”. Conversely, there are a few voids that must be filled. For example, in this new age of tremendous hype and little reward, English was in need of a word that didn’t just convey extreme disappointment, but also wrapped up the fact that one had waited with bated breath for quite awhile, only to feel said extreme disappointment. The new word Anticipointment sums up this dual feeling perfectly. “Man, did you see Matrix Reloaded? What a fucking anticipointing movie.”

Well, as Aaron and I were watching the Chiefs get trounced by the Colts last Sunday, we came across the trailer for Torque.. you know, that super gay (not that there’s anything wrong with being gay! Just humor, folks!… See how lame that was, Jae?) movie with the sell-out Ice Cube and then a bunch of beautiful people – Aaron, to your earlier point, this movie was probably written and directed by beautiful people – riding around on crotch rockets with various debris flying toward the camera while semis jack-knife on the highway…

Anyway.. Aaron and I want to see this movie. “WHY???” you may be asking. Because we have recognized Torque as a massive, super-dense, gravitational well of Awfulness. Fast and Furious 2 (not even 1, mind you! 2!), Britney’s CrossRoads (was that the name of it?) and Mariah’s Glitter had a menage a trois in Paris Hilton’s and Andrew Whoever-the-hell-he-was’s hotelroom, and Torque was the incubus love child. This is not a movie, people.. this is a symbol of all that is wrong in the world. I imagine that back in 400 A.D. or so, the Roman Colosseum advertised an event boasting paraplegic gladiators strapped on the backs of goats, forced to beat one another to death with their own severed limbs while multitudes of hot naked slave girls writhed all over each other on the perimeter of the ring… and it is at this point that some astute Roman citizen said, “oh man is our Empire fucked!” And, sure enough, the world plunged into darkness…

anyhoo… shit where was I going with this? Ah yes! Aaron and I recognized the desperate need for a word that means “so horribly, completely awful that is stupefies and amazes you in it’s awfulness.” I offered craptastic. But ya know, after going into my little diatribe, I’ve realized that craptastic isn’t strong enough. Actually, it might work for some things, but we need a stronger word.

I will throw it out the rest of you. What is that word that we lack? I welcome suggestions. Don’t anticipoint me.

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