Ok, this is rather brilliant. There are about a thousand and one fuckos that I have run into in the dance clubs that could have used this guide. You know the ones – you will find them on a stage, or in a cage, twirling their glowsticks around like an airport plane lander on crack. Bonus dipshit points for a mini-glowstick under the tongue. Many will be in a over-dramatized euphoric state from the extra-strength Tylenol that they just bought, thinking it was a roll. They will be dancing an extremely conservative, pared down version of some rave dance moves that they practiced on their nephew’s Dance Dance Revolution. However, the extreme amount of concentration and studied effort that they are putting into said moves renders them unable to keep the beat, transporting fellow clubbers to an unholy bizarro dance floor filled with nightmarish visions of old white men at an RNC fundraiser “getting wild” to the Four Tops’ “Shout”.
It is these sad sacks of monkey jizz that, during the buildup of some entirely-too-overplayed Oakenfold track, or for Christ’s sake, “Sandstorm” (which is now being played during fucking NFL football games!), that the person will profess to you, “i LOVE techno, man!” RTFM, wild man.
I love the descriptions for some of the genres.. Here’s the one for New Age –
New Age. Wow. What can be said about New Age. To start, this likes to cling onto the western post-modern meditative-yoga-pilates-tai chi new age baby boomer pop philosophies trend and not let go (hence the name: New Age). That should give you a hint right there that anyone who thinks The Celestine Prophecy is a good book has the worst taste in music. Unlike Ambient, there is singing here, not all of which are celtic chants, choir crooning or aboriginal jibber-jabber (that’s mostly Worldbeat stuff anyway). New Age is floaty, dreamy, and effeminate–even the stuff made by the guys (who have no genitals, by the way). If you have trouble finding it in your local music store, that’s because it’s in the ADULT CONTEMPORARY section….yeah, beside Celine Dion and Phil Collins, Jesus Christ. The music itself isn’t actually all that bad, but the people who listen to it are fucking tools. It’s really hard to find a New Age composer these days that you wouldn’t wanna rather give a swift kick in the shins.