Gay Marriage: The Definitive Article

by alphamonkey on February 27, 2004 · 1 comment

in Sexuality,Stupid People

The big headlines this week are not that more soldiers are dying in Iraq, or that we’ve finally found Osama bin Laden. Hell, they’re not even about my recent adventure among the primitive-but-caring people of the Moon, and our fight to keep the evil hug-hating SourFace People of Saturn from destroying the Rainbow Bridge of Friendship. Nope..all the papers and pundits are a’talking about GAY MARRIAGE. (And the new movie where Jesus fights the English to free the Scots while his partner keeps complaining about how he’s ”too old for this shit“ and is 4 minutes from retiring.)

GW Bush wants a constitutional amendment to ban it, and apparently so do some other people who are afraid of what might happen if they think too hard about men having hot, nasty, slippery, juicy cock-on-cock sex.  Kinda stupid when you think about it. (Quick! What did YOU think about when reading that sentence? According to the Republican Party, no matter it what is was…you’re now gay! Congrats!)

And I do realize that this is probably not the place to get the answer I’m looking for (thankfully), but I have to say that the single most head-scratching WTF aspect of this whole gay marriage hullabaloo is this:

How would a legally recognized contractual arrangement between two gay individuals threaten ‘traditional marriage’?

First off: as far as I know, ‘traditional marriage’ consisted of Family A promising little 12 year-old Jenny to Family X in exchange for valuable property and cash prizes. That’s not really the in thing right now, so what up? If they’re referring to a biblically traditional marriage well…the only places that’s being done is in orthodox Jewish and Islamic cultures. I’m pretty sure the GOP isn’t hoping we’ll all turn the USA into the new Israel (what with the Jesus thing and all), and as far as I can recall we still get kinda offended by all those wacky marriage rites and rituals the Islamics have. (That is, when we remember to be suitably outraged.)

Secondly: If Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice want to marry their respective partners, how does that somehow diminish or threaten the sanctity of Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman’s marriage? Hmm..that’s not a good example, is it? Okay..what damage is done to the loving union of Britney Spears and that guy whom no one remembers his name? Gah…strike two. I got it! How would it destroy the beautiful and Christian love between Elizabeth Taylor and whomever was standing between her and the dessert tray?

Let’s face it: In 2004 America, marriage is about as sacred as the dead skin you get with a hang-nail. Sure you might leave it on for a while. Maybe you’re afraid it’ll hurt when you pull it off. But sooner or later it’s gone, daddy, gone. I mean c’mon! Most of this current generation has more reverence for Thundercats reruns! I certainly know a few people who’ve put more effort into their trivial knowledge of Voltron’s mechanical tremendoschlong than their marriage.

So how exactly does GWB and his crew think that a marriage between Sigfreid and Roy will somehow destroy their own marriage? It’s not like the world collectively starting fucking goats when Roseanne Barr and Tom Arnold got married! (or did it????) The argument that lettings gay legally wed would somehow open the door to C’thulu’s bedroom is about as valid as saying that America’s wounds from 9/11 would magically heal themselves as long as we went out and bought that Kitchen Aide mixer we’d been eyeing over at Williams Sonoma. And pick up a new HDTV while you’re at it! America needs you! Or (to use a more reasonable, but less funny example), it’s akin to saying that if you decide to let your kid get a tattoo, the moon will blow up, causing otherwise ‘normal’ people to have sex with their George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine. (I dunno..maybe that was funny…can’t tell…too drunk..anyway…)

Yah…so somebody please explain it to me because I really, really, really want to know.

And while we’re at it…I’m not pissed at George Bush for this. The guy has done so much damage and committed so many evils in the last 3 years that getting angry about this is like being pissed off that the guy who killed your family keyed your car on his way out. Besides which…these people are so mind-numbingly fucked up that it’s not suprising that they think that gay marriage will mean that they’ve got to blow the waitstaff at the bar if they have to go to a gay bachelor/bachelorette party. Remember kids, these people think that giving us 300 dollars while the top 1% got $300,000 would somehow distract us from the sheer economy raping aspects of their tax-cuts. (Oh wait..we *did* fall for that..dammit!)

I’m pissed at every single spineless, poll-sucking Democrat who has sounded off against gay marriage. Apparently, they’ve forgotten which party they’re in. And I can guarantee you that a big reason so many otherwise rational Dems are speaking out against this is because they’re afraid they’ll lose their parking spot at Capitol Hill. It’s got nothing to do with what they believe and everything to do with keeping their hands on the power they possess.

You see…they look at poll numbers. Polls like the aforementioned one that says 60% of American’s are against gay marriage.

And lord knows that the Democrats lost their cajones sometime around 1989, so poll numbers are all they go by. But folks….do ANY of you know someone who participated in that poll? I’m willing to guess that 0% of you could answer yes. Why? Because poll numbers are compiled by polling people too stupid to get off the phone when a polling agency calls. Anyone remember the American Family Association poll that was online a few months back? It was an effort by this conservative group to send the White House a message that America was against gay marriage. It was never sent, folks. Know why? Because the results were overwhelmingly in favor of legalizing gay marriage. (Way to know the Internet demographic, AFA!)

Hmm….in all this shoutin’ and a’hollerin’…I just realized! Maybe this is all a GOP ploy to get the bulk of the activist Democratic voters disgusted with their own party thereby driving a powerful voting block to supporting a third-party candidate which would guarantee a Republican victory in November! Bush could campaign with a slogan like ”I kill babies for Satan“ and still get elected! Unfortunately, not enough people vote for issues rather than parties to stop it…Dagnabbit! That’s ingenius!

Wow. I’ve nonsensed myself into submission!


Anyway..that’s my question (if you can pick it out from that). Any reasonable answer would be appreciated.

My apologies for the lengthy ranty thing. It’s a bad habit of mine. Lesson to all: Gin makes a man mean.

Back to our regular scheduled program after a brief word from more silly jibberjabber!

Kompressor Brand Baby-Sitting! Less Whining or Your Money Back!

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  • Thundarr

    Did anyone else notice the same day the Kansas Congress was trying to push to amend the constitution to ban gay marriages the legislator was also attempting to pass laws to allow concealed handguns.  So gay marriage is more detrimental to your health then some crazy nut job wacko who can legally walk around with a nine millimeter in his pants.  Follow that logical step over the edge.

    Guns don’t kill you, gay people do.

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