The good news is that fan-boy favorite and sci-fi wunderkind George Lucas has finally decided to get off his ass and release the first three films in the Star Wars trilogy on DVD, which will be available on Sept 12th, 2004.
The bad news is that batshit, has-been, childhood memory raping, asshat George Lucas has decided to pound another nail in our hearts by releasing the “Special Edition” versions of the film, not the original theatrical releases. And in this case, “special” is indeed an all to apt euphemism for ”completely fucking retarded“.
Through a lucky chain of events, I saw Star Wars on May 25th, 1977 at Mann’s Chinese Theater in Los Angeles, CA with my family. I was a little over a month from being 4 years old and I remember ever single second of watching that film on the big screen. I remember the lines around the block, I remember the smell of the seats, I remember the sense of what I’d later recognize as complete awe during the opening shots of the blockade runner’s futile attempt at escaping the gargantuan Star Destroyer. I remember the smell of my Chewbacca and Han Solo toys as I took them out of their packages a year later on my birthday. (To this day when I smell vinyl shower curtains, etc..I can close my eyes and be right back at that moment.)
For fuck’s sake..I received the Millennium Falcon for my birthday in 1980 and 1996! You want an idea of how much I love Star Wars? I quoted Grand Moff Tarkin’s “fear, not respect” speech to Justin just last week. (He had no idea what the fuck I was talking about which means that he’s totally off my “people to save during my reign of terror” list)
Needless to say, I love Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and yes…even Return of the Jedi. And I fucking HATE George Lucas for what he’s done to both the original films and the Star Wars universe at large with his most recent cinematic abortions.
Because I have time on my hands and a heart full of hate, let’s talk about why SW:SE is an abomination unto mankind.
1) Han Solo goes from being a bad-ass, take no shit, straight shooting, stone cold killer to being a barely escaped being ventilated via Greedo powered laser, politically correct pansy.
2) You know what? I think #1 is reason enough to never stop kicking George Lucas square in the nuts. Let’s not mention gaying up Mos Eisley with more cute and cuddlesome creatures. Or sissying up the gunfight in the Prison area by cutting most of the violence. Let’s not talking about changing the Death Star run a suicide mission with only 13 fighters to the Rebel Version of Pearl Harbor.
I’d talk about Empire and RotJ, but frankly I’m two seconds away from punching in my monitor as it is.
Let’s hear it boys: Should George Lucas even be given the chance to redeem himself with Episode 3? Or should we just pop him now and burn the prints, saving us from further mind-rapingly bad cinema that perverts all that we loved as kids? What punishment is fit enough for this defiler?
Share your own thoughts and memories! Because I command it!