That’s right. I hate magic. I hate illusions, I hate magic tricks, I hate every single stupid variant thereof. (And while not technically in the same category, I also hate Magic: The Gathering which, for the blissfully unfamiliar, is a fucking card game. Not a cool card game like blackjack, poker, strip poker, or Uno…but a ridiculously stupid card game in which various ‘friends’ battle for mystical supremecy through the clever use of putting a card down on a table top. Fun!)
And David Blaine….oh…what can we say about David Blaine? Besides the fact he has terrible taste in shirts or that his illusions are about as exciting as watching Roseanne Barr anally intrude Tom Arnold (which, come to think of it, would probably be more entertaining)? And what about all those “god, I wish I was Vin Diesel” themed photos? Sorry, David..magic (or the shitty publicity stunts you pass off as magic) does not make you tough. Want proof?
Dig this guy. Is there any world where this guy would ever be considered tough? I think not. I don’t think this guy is even capable of beating his meat up, let alone something tougher than a baby kitten.
I just don’t get magic. It’s not like confirmed Canadian Doug Henning ever summoned the Dark Lord to tell you what card you were holding. No, he made rings link and unlink (through the power of illusion!). That’s just plain stupid. He was also a damned, filthy, hippie…but that’s a whole nother post. Magic is stupid because it’s not fucking magic. It’s just card tricks, hidden panels, and sliding doors. Real magic is making an audience member defecate a fully posable Mr. T action figure. Real magic is setting people on fire with your mind. Real magic is opening the door to another dimesion and watching C’thulu devour the West Coast.
So, in conclusion….Magic is stupid. Stupid and gay. And not gay as in ‘fun at parties, tastefully dressed, and a good dancer gay’. No, I’m talking full on gold-body paint wearing, penis float riding gay. Now, before anyone gets on me for calling magic gay, thereby sulling the good name of homosexual behavior, let just state that I have irrefutable proof of magic’s inherent gayness.
I need a drink.