The US Dept. of Education

by alphamonkey on February 12, 2004 · 0 comments

in Miscellany

The US Dept. of Education is declaring about 200 television programs inappropriate for closed-captioning and denying federal grant requests to make them accessible to the hearing-impaired. The Department of Education is refusing to reveal the names of the panel members whose opinions determined the caption grants and also won’t disclose the new guidelines. By every appearance, the government has changed its definition of what constitutes a caption-worthy program. But it’s keeping the new rules secret.

Sounds reasonable enough, eh? God knows that the deaf are incapable of making rationale decisions on their own. After all, they *chose* to be deaf! How dumb is that!? Obviously the government needs to step in a regulate what they can access on television to ensure that our nation’s hard of hearing don’t decide to watch television that might give them even more uppity ideas.

But let’s take a look at some of the programs:

Law & Order : because hard-boiled crime drama is completely dumb without the sound of Richard Belzer’s velvet mouth music.
Bewitched : As we all know, deaf people already worship Satan, so it stands to reason that we should limit their exposure to even more pagan tomfoolery.
I Dream of Jeanie: well, duh. All we need are hordes of deaf people combing the beach looking for oil lamps to seductively rub. Gross!
Scooby-Doo: Probably due to excessive lesbian, pot-smoking, and ascot-wearing overtones.
The Simpsons: What kind of evil fucker censors the Simpsons!?
Malcom in the Middle: because the typists get all embarassed typing the word ‘sucks’ over and over.
Sanford and Son: Redd Foxx’s sexual prowess too powerful for non-hearing minds to comprehend.
Judge Wapner’s Animal Court: ditto for Wapner.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Because no one should suffer through anything this innane.
Power Rangers: Well, duh!
NASCAR, Major League Baseball, the National Basketball Association, the National Football League or Professional Golf Association tournaments: Because it’s a scientific fact that the deaf don’t like sports. In fact, professional sporting events cause them to go on hideous flesh eating rampages. This is for our safety, not the deafies.

Folks, this is the kind of dumb-ass buttdickery you can expect if you let George Bush stay in office for another 4 years.

  • Reddit
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • RSS
  • StumbleUpon
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Posterous
  • Tumblr

Previous post:

Next post: