I work for an advertising agency that shoots a lot of tv spots. Recently all employees were asked to come up with “Career Thoughts” – basically, “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey” but related to work and careers. I came up with a bunch, which I sent to Davion. He thought I should post them.
me: “Oh, so you thought they were funny then?”
Davion: “Well, a couple.”
me: “ummm.. thank you?”
So, here they are, for your amusement and ridicule..
Career Thoughts.. by The Good Reverend:
I think a great job would be “Superman”. You get some fantastic tights, and no matter where you go, people are like “Hey, you’re Superman!” You might even get a lot of free stuff. Yeah, Superman would be a great job, if only it weren’t for the archvillains.
If you work at a soup company, and your boss says, “What are you having for lunch?”, I bet there’s a LOT of pressure there to say, “Soup.”
If you’re filling out an application, I would omit the fact that you were the Messiah. Because then they’ll probably think you’re going to ask for a lot of money.
If your name happens to be “Charles Manson”, put “Chuck” on the resume. If your name’s “Ted Bundy”, I’d suggest “Theodore”. But if your name’s “Adolf”, I’m sorry… I’m not a miracle worker.
I bet the first couple times the box company manager said “think outside the box”, everyone laughed and thought he was pretty clever. But now it’s just getting old, man.
If you’re interviewing at a candy company and you’re asked “Why do you want to work here?”, don’t say, “Because I LOVE candy!” Hey buddy, everybody loves candy.
If you’re a guy on a date and you do professional roller derby for a living, I would emphasize the violence aspect of it, and not so much the rollerskating. Not that women appreciate violence, but it beats rollerskating!
If you feel you were your last company’s whipping boy, don’t put that on your resume. Put “whipping man.”
If you are a secret agent that was sworn not to disclose information about previous operations, and you’re filling out an application for a new secret agent position, DO NOT fill out the part about “Previous Work Experience”. It’s a trap!
There are plenty of good reasons to want to work at a prison. To be the hapless victim in a bloody prison riot is NOT one of them.
I really hope applications to be a police officer don’t have a question that reads “I would like to be the (check one):” and then has boxes labeled “Good Cop” and “Bad Cop”. Because the world is so much more complex than that.
I bet circus clowns going for their first interview really struggle with whether to wear business attire, or a clown suit.