Ketchup: The New Political Battleground

by alphamonkey on June 23, 2004 · 6 comments

in News,Politics

Like W Ketchup’s website says:

You don’t support Democrats.

Why should your ketchup?

The Ketchup That Tastes Like America!

Yes folks, it’s time our condiments finally threw their weight into the ongoing political debate of America.  Because after all, do you want your precious, hard-earned ketchup spending dollars going to John Kerry’s wife, the heir to the H.J Heinz Co. fortune? Of course you don’t! Besides, as George W. Bush has repeatedly pointed out, Heinz has consistantly cut jobs and moved their production overseas. (One factory for each of their 57 varieties, actually.)

So buying Heinz Co.’s products is just putting money into that filthy, American-hating traitor, John Kerry’s coffers.  W Ketchup is the only choice for true-blue Republican’s who wish to spice up their burgers and fries!!!



According to this article, H.J. Heinz Co. has donated 64,000 dollars to Republican candidates in the last six years, GW not being the least of them. How much money has Heinz contributed to John Kerry’s campaign?

Not a gawdamn cent.  To date, the Heinz Political Action Committe has donated a gross of $5,000 dollars to the Massachusetts Democratic Party.

Furthermore, Theresa Heinz Kerry only controls about 4% of HJ Heinz stock, nor does she serve on it’s executive board.  Of course, that doesn’t stop W Ketchup and George Bush from accusing Presidential candidate John Kerry of profiting from the same business practices he condemns in his stump speeches.  Nor does it stop The Shrub from pocketing those Kerry-tainted campaign contributions.

Ah, America! Your bewildering, and bizarre ways continue to amuse and astound us all! Sweet Lady Liberty, you are one seXXXy crazy bitch. 

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  • Shadow Stalker

    Besides, the French still hate Germany, so, according to International Food Fight Laws, hamburgers are good.

  • .alphamonkey.

    I’m not certain I agree with that, GR. This time, why not pick the greater evil? With this in mind, I’m taking this opportunity to announce my intentions to campaign for the C’thulu 2004 Presidential run.

    Because sometimes, the lesser evil isn’t evil enough.

  • Shadow Stalker

    What’s the matter with you commie bastards?  Whatever happened to condiment loyalty?  Maybe some people experiment with exotic mustards during college, but that doesn’t make it okay.

  • Shadow Stalker

    I once tried some German deli mustard on a pastrami and swiss, but I did not swallow!

  • .alphamonkey.

    SS, I know for a fact you swallow anything that ends up in your mouth.

  • .alphamonkey.

    Hurrah for American Ingenuity!

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