You’ve probably heard about the expletives that VP Cheney uttered to Senator Leahy a few days ago during a photo session, telling the senator to “go f*ck himself”. Well, abundant criticisms of Mr. Cheney’s behavior by the media have prompted him to compose an apology letter. I am honored to be able to exclusively present that letter, completely unedited, right now. Ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President of the United States…
My fellow Americans,
As you may well know, there has been some hullabaloo lately regarding my comments to Senator Leahy. Many have expressed outrage that a sitting vice president of the United States would use such language toward a fellow, highly-esteemed government representative. They tout it as a prime example of the Bush administration’s utter contempt for differing viewpoints, as hypocritical of an administration that promised to “unite” the parties for the common good and “bring civility back” into the White House, as a perfect example of how truly undignified and petty the political landscape has become in this great country of ours.
Having had a few moments of quiet reflection and introspection since uttering those choice words to the Senator from Vermont, and considering the great mantle that I bear as the Vice President, I feel it necessary to clarify my position and answer the aforementioned charges. As such, please allow me at this time – from the depths of my heart and with full deliberation – to respond to the media, my critics, and you, the American people for whom I serve, by asking you to kindly
Go Fuck Yourself.
Yes, you read that correctly. Go fuck yourself. Do it now. And I don’t care if you do it “kindly”. I just wrote that because it sounded kind of cool. You may fuck yourself violently and with great malice if you wish, you terrorist-loving, America-hating pinko bastards. It really doesn’t matter to the Chen-ster, so long as “at the end of the day”, you have consummated the act of fucking yourself.
Let there be no mistaking. I am not in a bad mood of any sort right now. I am seated comfortably, in loose clothing. Outside my office window the soft, rosy hues of twilight settle upon the historic landmarks of our nation’s capital, giving the world a magical glow that makes a man revel at the masterful artistry of our Creator. In my hand, a perfectly balanced Sauvignon underpinned by subtle hints of oak and cherry – a gift from the prime minister (or president, or whatever-he-is) of Portugal. My favorite Kenny G album plays in the background. No, my friends, I am in a state of complete and utter repose.
Now, please.. if you will… Go fuck yourself.
I don’t know when Leahy and the rest of you baby-killing, Godless heathens are going to learn. I mean, school has been in session for almost four years now, and Professor Cheney is getting tired of teaching the same lessons over and over again. You just don’t mess with the Cheney and his crew. If you see me getting upset, you better back away slowly. And when you see my intern turning up my pacemaker setting… well then, my friend…I’m afraid it’s too late. Cuz you’re about to get knocked out tha box. Just ask that bitch Leahy.
Currently you will find Senator Leahy at home, sequestered, and copiously fucking himself into oblivion, as per my direct order as Vice President of this great nation.
Life is a cruel mistress. If you don’t give her a pimp slap once in awhile, you will suffer the consequences. Leahy doesn’t realize this – he thought the Senate photo op was some sort of Sunday Frisbee toss at the park.. I guess. I can’t pretend to know the mind of that tree-hugging pillow-biter. But he tried to call me out on Halliburton and then had the nerve to walk by me and say “Hello”. “Hello”? You say “hello”, you gots to go.
So, to all my detractors, let me summarize by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry that your frilly lace panties are chafing you the wrong way. I am sorry that you can’t handle what Cheney is serving. And I’m sorry that you never will. ‘Cuz I serve all my dishes only one way – ice cold, bitch. temperature: Abso-fucking-lute Zero.
**beep-ba-beep-beep! This just off the news wire! Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has just informed me that we are at threat level orange, which means that critics are advised to go from heavy petting and fondling to full-on fucking oneself!
Now, Eat a Dick. Cheney out.
Vice President, United States of America