ZolarCzakl’s Cinema Craptacular: Zombie Edition

by ZolarCzakl on July 3, 2004 · 6 comments

in Uncategorized

Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things Was Fuckin’ Dumb!

Only $8 at your local zombie shit-movie retailer!!!




But there are still a few good things about it, which is why I’m writing about this 1972 made-for-less-than-one-dollar zombie movie. First of all, most zombie movies are cool. Any flick that contains the dead rising from their graves and mercilessly slaughtering a bunch of young idiots by gruesomely eating their flesh and organs should at least be viewed once. Fortunately, this movie has all that. Unfortunately, one has to sit through about an hour of bullshit in order to get to the tasty twenty minutes of zombified nastiness at the end. For those of you who can take a fairly large dose of mind-numbing torture in the form of embarrassingly “serious” acting and a Plot? What Plot? kind of, um, plot, it’ll be a low-budget zombified picnic.

Alan is startled by the realization that his onscreen partner has infinitely more charisma than he.

Here’s a quick overview: Alan (played ingeniously by a guy named Alan) is a pretentious film director, who also happens to be a complete asshole and quite a bit of a prissy bitch. He leads a group of actors (also ingeniously named after the real actors portraying them) into a remote cemetary to do some witchcraft. Why? Who knows. Apparently we’re not supposed to know or care or maybe I just missed it. I’ll admit, I was too stupified by the awful acting and just plain weird looking cast to really pay attention to the finer plot points. Anyway, after about what seems like an eternity of them poncing around and Alan being a complete wanker (and a strange little sub-sub-plot involving a couple of incredibly flaming gay guys dressing up like zombies to scare the bejeebus out of the actors, which I won’t even bother to go into any further), they dig up a stiff and start taunting him. Of course there’s a deserted house by the cemetary, and of course they go into it, which anybody dealing with a spooky graveyard and witchcraft should know better than to do, and then wackiness ensues. A mock wedding ceremony with the corpse (which isn’t as cool as some of you might think) and one of the actor chicks suddenly becoming psychic and having a nervous breakdown are just a few of the zany things that happen. Then, finally, ZOMBIES!!! Ok, so maybe the payoff isn’t big enough. I won’t ruin the ending, but there are zombies and there’s blood and there’s cool early 70’s wacko electronic music!

Jill gives the international sign of the Spock

Anyway, as a lover of zombies, I found this movie ok. I give it a rotting thumb halfway up. I found the dvd for eight bucks. Will somebody please watch this and validate my existence?

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  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadwstalkr Shadow Stalker

    Are there any children, as the title promises?  Is this supposed to be some “true” meta-movie, hence the characters being actors named after the actors portraying them?  Will Brad and Janet ever live happily ever after?

    I want to watch it and find out.  In fast forward, of course.

  • ZolarCzakl

    Unfortunately, she is not a vulcan. Just think if Spock showed up to kill some zombie ass. Hmmmm. Maybe we should start writing a screenplay…

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    What about a zombie killing trio of Spock, Automan, and Fleegle from the Banana Splits? That would be fucking awesome!!!

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadwstalkr Shadow Stalker

    That would be illogical, Captain.

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    And what would you know of logic, you Moonie?

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadwstalkr Shadow Stalker

    Hey, Rev. Moon is a fraud!  He’s only been there a couple times–he doesn’t even own land!

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