Best Kids Site EVER, courtesy of the USDA

by alphamonkey on August 5, 2004 · 2 comments

in Stupid People

This should put to rest all those terrible whispers about how bad our current government is.  Yes, those fun folks at the USDA have decided that their message of peace and quality cold cuts needs to be drummed a little harder into the skulls of our nation’s youth.  Their solution: Create the weirdest, most eye-raping ‘kids’ site, ever.  Oh, and then have that site designed by color-blind child-hating felons as part of a work furlough program.

After all, how could anyone be afraid of a government that gives us this:

It’s Agnes, the Agricultural Marketing Service clown whore and her pimp, Sam!Oh, but the fun doesn’t end there! In addition to pages describing all the different types of meat, poultry, and dairy (which are displayed with fonts taken from some poor insane PTA mom’s hard-drive), you can also learn how to grade those items!

Did you know that there are no grade standards for poultry necks, wing tips, tails, giblets, or poultry meat that is diced, shredded, or ground? I sure didn’t, and now I feel my childhood was nothing more than a cruel wasteland of lies. Why couldn’t this have been around in 1983? 

Other tidbits of wisdom I apparently missed out on when I was a kid:

Choose a diet low in fat, saturated fat, and cholesterol to help reduce the risk of getting certain diseases and to help maintain a healthy weight. The Dietary Guidelines for Americans suggest choosing a diet containing 30 percent or less of calories from fat, and less than 10 percent of calories from saturated fatty acids. Also, some health authorities suggest that dietary cholesterol be limited to an average of 300 milligrams or less per day!

Whew! Those USDA’ers sure know how to make learning FUN!!! I almost spit my Capri Sun right out of my nose with excitement!

Speaking of fun, let’s check out the games!

First up, it’s the worst ‘find the hidden item’ game of all time. Wow! Can you identify the outlines of hidden foods overlaid on actual food items! I’ll bet you don’t care if you can!

My personal favorite is the Grade the Meat quiz!  I’ll be truly suprised if PS2 and the Xbox don’t have this baby on the shelves by Christmas!

Is this is a good indicator of the kind of effort our federal government puts out when trying to reach the kids, is it any wonder generation after generation turns to hard drugs and casual sex?

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  • Thundarr

    I failed the Meat Grader Quiz, my dreams of working in the back of a slaughter house have been dashed.  Damn you USDA!!  I have no reason to live.

  • Shadow Stalker

    Don’t fret, you can still be a champion meat grinder!

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