Throughout the ages, mankind has been helped along by an innumerable number of amazing devices, discoveries, and our overall plucky spirit and ingenuity. But as we approach the 2005th year of the A.D. (After Disco), one scientific breakthrough supersedes all others as the zenith of human achievement.
I’m referring, of course, to IcyHot.
Discovered in 1807 by a vacationing Dutch accountant, IcyHot is a ubitquitous presence in medicine cabinets around the world. While many people are familiar with IcyHot’s muscle soreness, backache, arthritis, and cramp abatement powers, very few people know that the topical reliever is a natural substance that bubbles right out of the ground! Day in and day out, IcyHot technicians spend their time collecting the precious ooze from natural IcyHot springs located in nothern Delaware to be packaged in tube or ‘cold stick’ format for quick and speedy delivery to ensure that you never have to suffer from any ailment ever again.
That’s right, I said any ailment. You thought it was just for muscle pain, huh? Dummy! IcyHot has as many uses as all the colors of the rainbow! I’ve spent years studying the substance’s healing powers and have compiled a comprehensive list of common ailments IcyHot can be used to cure immediately and with the fresh minty smell of a LifeSaver(tm) factory explosion.
01. Backpain
02. Tennis Elbow
03. Charlie Horses
04. Jammed thumb
05. Minor burns
06. Major burns
07. Rug Burn
08. Scrapped knees
09. Paper Cuts
10. Hangnail
11. Earaches (also helpful with unsightly wax buildup)
12. Acne
13. Canker & Cold Sores
14. Rheumatism
15. Chaffed Nipples
16. Yeast / Urinary Tract Infections
17. Swimmer’s Ear
18. Ingrown Hairs
19. Jock Itch / Crotch Rot
20. Diarrhea (Explosive or otherwise)
21. Constipation (Implosive or otherwise)
22. Sticky Fingers
23. Unseemly Body Odor (not available in France)
24. Lazy Eye
25. Snaggleteeth
26. Molar Pain
27. Cellulite
28. Ingrown Eyelashes
29. Painful Rectal Itch
30. Scurvy
31. The Gout
32. Lupus
33. Ringworm
34. Heebie Jeebies
35. Discombobulation
36. Hysterical Blindness
37. The Black Lung
38. Syphilitic Madness
39. Joo-Joo Eyeball
40. Monkey Finger
41. Walrus Gumboot
42. Spinal Cracker
43. Crabalocker Fishwife
44. Labor Pain
45. Battered / Chapped Pussy.
46. Smegma Burn
47. Acute Mental Retardation
48. Detatched Retina
49. Spontaneous Combustion
50. The Gay
The list goes on and on, folks! If you’ve any pain, discomfort, or illness whatsoever, be sure to rub some IcyHot in, on, or around the effected area! And remember: in addition to it’s many curative properties, IcyHot makes for a fantastic personal lubricant, douche, or contraceptive device!
What do YOU use IcyHot for?
