The Greatest Scientific Discovery of All Time

by alphamonkey on August 9, 2004 · 5 comments

in Sci-Tech

Throughout the ages, mankind has been helped along by an innumerable number of amazing devices, discoveries, and our overall plucky spirit and ingenuity.  But as we approach the 2005th year of the A.D. (After Disco), one scientific breakthrough supersedes all others as the zenith of human achievement.

I’m referring, of course, to IcyHot.

Icy Hot!

Discovered in 1807 by a vacationing Dutch accountant, IcyHot is a ubitquitous presence in medicine cabinets around the world. While many people are familiar with IcyHot’s muscle soreness, backache, arthritis, and cramp abatement powers, very few people know that the topical reliever is a natural substance that bubbles right out of the ground!  Day in and day out, IcyHot technicians spend their time collecting the precious ooze from natural IcyHot springs located in nothern Delaware to be packaged in tube or ‘cold stick’ format for quick and speedy delivery to ensure that you never have to suffer from any ailment ever again.

That’s right, I said any ailment.  You thought it was just for muscle pain, huh?  Dummy!  IcyHot has as many uses as all the colors of the rainbow! I’ve spent years studying the substance’s healing powers and have compiled a comprehensive list of common ailments IcyHot can be used to cure immediately and with the fresh minty smell of a LifeSaver(tm) factory explosion. 

01. Backpain

02. Tennis Elbow

03. Charlie Horses

04. Jammed thumb

05. Minor burns

06. Major burns

07. Rug Burn

08. Scrapped knees

09. Paper Cuts

10. Hangnail

11. Earaches (also helpful with unsightly wax buildup)

12. Acne

13. Canker & Cold Sores

14. Rheumatism

15. Chaffed Nipples

16. Yeast / Urinary Tract Infections

17. Swimmer’s Ear

18. Ingrown Hairs

19. Jock Itch / Crotch Rot

20. Diarrhea (Explosive or otherwise)

21. Constipation (Implosive or otherwise)

22. Sticky Fingers

23. Unseemly Body Odor (not available in France)

24. Lazy Eye

25. Snaggleteeth

26. Molar Pain

27. Cellulite

28. Ingrown Eyelashes

29. Painful Rectal Itch

30. Scurvy

31. The Gout

32. Lupus

33. Ringworm

34. Heebie Jeebies

35. Discombobulation

36. Hysterical Blindness

37. The Black Lung

38. Syphilitic Madness

39. Joo-Joo Eyeball

40. Monkey Finger

41. Walrus Gumboot

42. Spinal Cracker

43. Crabalocker Fishwife

44. Labor Pain

45. Battered / Chapped Pussy.

46. Smegma Burn

47. Acute Mental Retardation

48. Detatched Retina

49. Spontaneous Combustion

50. The Gay

The list goes on and on, folks! If you’ve any pain, discomfort, or illness whatsoever, be sure to rub some IcyHot in, on, or around the effected area!  And remember: in addition to it’s many curative properties, IcyHot makes for a fantastic personal lubricant, douche, or contraceptive device!

What do YOU use IcyHot for?

  • Reddit
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Digg
  • LinkedIn
  • RSS
  • StumbleUpon
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Posterous
  • Tumblr
  • Souped_up_on_Jihad

    When I was actually in shape and jogging on a regular basis (circa 1998) IcyHot was my friend. One day, after an especially long jog I needed some relief on my thighs. I slathered some on, sat down at my computer so start emailing, and well, things spead out. All of the sudden, I was overly aware of my crotch and ended up sitting in a cold bathtub for about 45 minutes to stop the burning.

    IcyHot: 1

    Me: 0

  • The Good Reverend

    that was kind of you to not mention Harvester of Bondo by name on number 45.

  • Shadow Stalker

    And it makes a great salad dressing!  The tang is balanced perfectly by the zip!

  • agdeez

    swamp ass.

  • Thundarr

    Sure Icy Hot is great, but it’s no sliced bread.  Oh and I use it for 9, 10, and occasionally 30 on the mornings after I go out with Harvestor’s mother.

Previous post:

Next post: