Arnold can kiss the Necro vote goodbye…

by The Good Reverend on September 13, 2004 · 7 comments

in Announcements,News,Politics,Sexuality

In a bold move that shocked and outraged about 5 people in California on Friday, Gov. Schwarzenegger signed a bill outlawing sex with corpses in the Golden State.

It's gettin' hot in here!  So take off all your clothes! (It’s only a model)

In the classic oratory style of actors who decide suddenly that they can run a government, Arnold beat the now extremely dead horse of capitalizing on Terminator quotes by proclaiming “To all you necrophiliac girly men, your rights to have sex with people who have been terminated are now.. umm.. terminated!” I guess abusing dead animals is ok; you just can’t have sex with them.

Or can you?  I mean sure, in a state suffering water rights issues, rolling blackouts, pollution, and crippling deficits, I can understand how outlawing sex with dead people would move right to the top of the priority list with the Governator.  But it is quite obvious that this law is going to start a firestorm of Supreme Court challenges, loophole-seeking, and other mayhem that surrounds all issues that matter so much to so many people.  For example:

1.  Is an animal a “corpse” or a “carcass”?  Sure, Arnold, you’ve sealed up sex with dead people, but dead animals might still be wiiide open.  When I watch nature programs, predators are always eating a carcass, not a corpse.  So, one could have sex with a dead animal, as long as one eats it afterward, no?  “Fraternity brothers!  None of this animal goes to waste!”

2.  Okay, I stumble upon a person who has no pulse, is completely cold, blue, bloated, and stinks to high heaven.  Like anyone in said situation, I’m thinking one thing – “Dayammmnn that’s hot!” If I am sure that I am the first to have found this body, is it still legal?  Being pronounced dead is something that must be done by the state.  So, technically I’m not having sex with a corpse, right?  It’s a non-responsive, most-likely-dead person in the nether region between life and death. 

3.  If you are having sex with someone and they die in the middle of it, what are the legal ramifications there?  Can you complete your sweet, sweet love-making, or are you left to finish yourself off?

4.  Is masturbation while a corpse watches technically considered a sex act with the corpse?

See, Arnold – You can’t just rush into passing such contentious legislation without really thinking it through.  I think you should put all the rest of California’s issues on hold and really focus on this one so as to pass a bill we can all get behind.

And let me just end by bringing attention to part of the article I found pretty amusing:

Lawmakers revived the bill this year after an unsuccessful prosecution of a man found in a San Francisco funeral home drunk and passed out on top of an elderly woman’s corpse.

Okay, we all have one or two nights of drunken passion under our belts where we woke up the next morning, looked over at our bedmate, and thought “Who the hell is she and what the fuck was I thinking?!” But holy shit, that guy takes the prize.  “Ugggh, I am sooo hung over.. what the hell did I do last night?…  What’s that horrible smell? {rolling over} OH MY GOD!”

Yeah, his friends will never let him live that one down.  It’ll make for an amusing anecdote during the best man’s speech at the wedding reception.  “Let me tell you, Julie.. your husband was a WILD MAN!…”

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  • .alphamonkey.

    You put waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much thought into this, GR. You are totally not invited to my funeral.

  • The Good Reverend

    hahaha yeah.  ya know, as i was writing that i was thinking that exact same thing – “damn, i’m putting way too much thought into this.” But I was having too much fun writing it.  That’s wrong, isn’t it.

  • Shadow Stalker

    Something I’ve never understood, because I never thought of it until just now, is why necrophilia isn’t considered rape.  It’s definitely not consensual (unless the deceased has an unusually explicit will), so do a person’s sexual rights terminate with his life?  I realize a dead person is probably no longer a legal entity, but that doesn’t preclude one from being elected governor.

    Who would have thought that necrophilia is such a legal gray area?

  • .alphamonkey.

    It can’t be rape because well…’s not like corpses have a will to go up against. That’s kinda like saying you could rape a lamp or a Pop Tart.

  • Shadow Stalker

    So you can make love to a Pop Tart, but not rape it?

  • .alphamonkey.

    Well, yah…you can’t just molest a Pop Tart. Something that fine you gotta romance a little.

  • Davion

    Ya all just puttin way too much thought into this.

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