God is voting Kerry

by The Good Reverend on September 24, 2004 · 6 comments

in News,Politics

Judging by the closeness of the current presidential race, it is fairly obvious that Americans don’t subscribe to things like rationality and common sense.  They are easily influenced by nebulous themes of God and terrorism.  So, it is about time that Kerry supporters dumb down our discourse a bit and speak in the language that the American votership will respond to.  If your intelligence is insulted by the following “argument”, my apologies, fellow Kerry voter.Let’s forget talk of the economy, healthcare, Iraq exit strategies, and the like for a second.  Those issues require thinking – and who likes thinking, right?  I want to boil the presidential race down to some core, easy-to-grasp issue – something I can wrap my head around and then ignore my head completely as I make a gut reaction.  Something basic like, “Who is God voting for?”.  Wow, if only there were a way to know who Our Lord and Saviour was voting for in the upcoming election!  Well, my fellow Americans, I know who God is voting for!  God is voting for Kerry

Yep.  It’s true.  How do I know this?  Here’s how…

(Click on image for larger version – found here)

The evidence cannot be refuted! Fundamentalist Christians, Neocons:  I know you like to tout yourselves as the “family values” party, the “prayer in school” party – basically, the “God party”.  Well, you’re not!  Now I am not going to come to some ridiculous conclusion and say “God always votes Democrat”.  No, that would be ridiculous.  God is obviously Independent and considers each candidate on their merits, regardless of party affiliation.  However, the above map should show irrefutably that God is none too pleased with Bush!  And right before the elections, He is making His Will known to the Florida votership, and indeed to America as a whole.

Republicans, you need to realize that if you vote for Bush, you are in Direct Defiance of the Direct Will of the Lord Jesus Christ.  If you vote for Bush, you might as well also stop by Priceline.com and book your one way ticket to Hell.  Is voting for Bush worth spending an eternity wailing and gnashing your teeth in Hell?  Was your tax cut that good?  Mine wasn’t.

It is the duty of every Good Christian to vote for Kerry in November.  Do you dare to defy God?  I don’t.  In conclusion, God loves Kerry, God will let Al Qaeda terrorize you and your children if you vote Bush.  If God loves Kerry, then it stands to reason that Satan loves Bush, umm… God is against terror, and God is for Kerry, so Kerry is also against terror, so if Kerry is against terror and Kerry is against Bush, then Bush is pro-terror.  You cannot refute pure, distilled LOGIC!  Logic dictates that Bush loves terrorists.

Be pro-God and anti-terror: vote Kerry.

Author’s addendum: I just went to Priceline.com to see what current rates were to book a one-way ticket from Kansas City International to Hell.  I couldn’t find a flight.  Those voting for Bush are left to their own devices for finding airfare. (Results may vary depending on departure city)

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  • LordStrange

    I was an atheist but I now see the error of my reasoning. Thank you Good–Nay! Great Reverend.

    PS: It’s not gay; it’s funny as hell!

  • http://www.livejournal.com/users/shadwstalkr Shadow Stalker

    You’re wrong.  The hurricanes are part of a plot by Pres. Bush to make Gov. Bush look good as he responds to a crisis.  How can Bush make hurricanes?  Consider the recent increase in funding to NASA, pushed through by Bush, to research manned missions to Mars.  There is no Mars! The money was used to build enormous hurricane machines off the Cuban coast.  Why else would Bush have reinstated travel restrictions to Cuba?  Think about it, man!

  • http://360.yahoo.com/razorfine_review Thundarr

    Well it is pretty compelling evidence.  FYI Reverend: The flight out of KC to Hell is listed under KC to Cleveland.

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    “Do you dare to defy God? I don’t.”

    GR, it’s a scientific fact that your entire college career was in direct defiance of God. And don’t pull any of that “I was just experimenting”, crap.

  • http://www.transbuddha.com The Good Reverend

    Let me ammend my statement: “I don’t.. anymore.” Ah hell, that’s a lie too.

  • Souped_up_on_Jihad

    Wait, if this Chainy dude turns out to be better than Cheney…well…hmmm…nevermind…still not voting for them…

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