Transbuddhists, I am sick of the barage of emails that I receive daily, requesting to know more about Alphamonkey. 
“Reverend, who is that Alphamonkey cat?”
“Reverend, I hear Alphamonkey is just dreamy.. is that so?”
“Hey Rev, when I think about Alphamonkey, I touch myself.”
“To whom it may concern, I am having Alphamonkey’s baby. Please reply with his contact info.”
People, I gots my own life, so I can’t keep being his personal secretary. So I’m doing you all a favor. You may be surprised to hear that Alphamonkey is actually a black belt in karate. Yes, you heard me. And, being a part of his “inner circle”, I was invited to a closed-to-the-public training session of his this weekend. Putting my duties to you, our loyal readers, above any personal physical harm that would befall me if it were to be known that I was recording the event, I was able to catch this rare footage of the Monkey in action. If you are pregnant or have a heart condition, I recommend not clicking on the link.
You’re still mad about us putting wasabi in your Green Tea Ice Cream aren’t you?
yer gawddamn right i am! Look at that expression on my face! That is my “oh-my-god-my-sinuses-are-being-ravaged-by-a-4000-degree-Wasabi-Plasma-Fire” look. That is pain.
You are such a sissy, GR.
that sounds like a Wasabi Challenge for next time out. I challenge you to a duel! {glove slap to face}
I could totally whip you up some more tasty wasabi ice cream. Unless you’re a big sissy and can’t take it.
You’re not a sissy, are you?
I will have my day of revenge!
But you know, your sinuses weren’t any clearer for it.
this is true. I thought I was breathing great, but I guess the wasabi has a mild hallucinogen that merely gives you the appearance of sinus relief.
Okay, okay, so Harvestor is bambarding you with messages about his true love, but couldn’t you have just replied to him?
Didn’t I hear somewhere that chimps are supposed to be like…four times stronger than a man? Is it just me, or does this chimp’s punches seem a bit weak? No offense, though, it’s a very impressive bit of footage, just not as spine-crackingly impressive as I would have liked for it to be.
I have to applaud monkey boy for not shitting on the floor this time. The Dojo always smells a bit funny after an Alphamonkey session.
What’s even more impressive is that he didn’t throw any of it. No one can withstand “Flying Alphamonkey Crap Attack”.
I stopped using that one after I realized I couldn’t compete with your mouth.
Oh yes, I do talk a lot of shit.
But come on.. the Chiefs are 1-4 after being completely overhyped, while the underreported, unnoticed Vikes are 4-1. I have sooo much material right now.
But I can promise you this – when the Chiefs get to something like 1-7 or 2-10, I will probably run out of steam. I get no satisfaction out of talking trash on teams that terrible. It would be akin to trying to start a fight with a kid in a wheelchair. So, you only have a couple more weeks to put up with.
Who said I was referring to football, Kojak?
i don’t believe i talk shit in anything else, homeslice.
Remember that time you told that gal at the bar you had an X-Wing Fighter in your backyard?
oh come on! that’s not talking shit. that’s just FACT.
Like the time Michael Jackson stopped by your house to use the bathroom?
Yay! Teh Goonies!
Shit, did I tell you about that too?
You know, I always knew there was a reason monkey reminded me of Hong Kong Phooey.
That’s because of my deep and abiding love of Scatman Crothers.