How Christian is your Record Collection?

by alphamonkey on November 22, 2004 · 31 comments

in Uncategorized

Here’s a fun little test to see if your record collection is rocking with the Lord or running with the devil. Google's idea of Christian Rock

This image was the first result from a GIS for “Christian Rock”.  Now I ask you, good people: Is there any world in which these four gentlemen might ever conceivably rock?

I think not.  System 7? Come back when you find some matching black and yellow striped jumpsuits.

Though this brings up a good question… Why do people feel compelled to rock for Jesus? Isn’t that kind of antiethical to the idea of rock n’ roll? Besides which, what exactly do you hope to accomplish with your lord-flavored power pop that Handel, Beethoven, Mozart, and Bach didn’t already do better to the Nth degree?

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  • mrcookieface

    Personally, I’m hoping to write a song that hits the magic brown note that makes Jesus crap his pants.

  • .alphamonkey.

    Could Jesus rock so hard that even He would crap His pants?

    I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

  • Davion

    Put them next to these guys

    Maybe they’ll balance the cosmos.

  • mrcookieface

    He could’ve played guitar better than Hendrix

    He could’ve told the future

    He could’ve baked the most delicious cake in the world

    According to King Missile, I think he could, alpha.

  • olivesmarch4th

    Speaking as someone who listened to Christian rock music regularly in junior high, I would have to say that it’s quite an effective method of brainwashing, which is why they keep doing it.  It’s *especially* effective because so many southern baptist types consider rock music sinful regardless of the message being conveyed—so you still get to feel rebellious—but rebellious in the name of the LORD, man!

  • fealty2dahriyah

    so you were one of those kids who didn’t record over middle of the christian rock tapes?

    wow… so what was it like to listen to more than 4 minutes of that crap?

  • olivesmarch4th

    The sad truth is, I still occasionally wake up with a DC Talk ballad in my head.

    I’ve only saved two Christian rock/pop albums,

    1) Black-Eyed Sceva because they were a pretty good rock band and I listen to them for nostalgia’s sake (very rarely, mind you)

    2) Jars of Clay because they were really excellent songwriters.

    But sometimes when I think about those albums and songs about what miserable, lowly creatures we are in the eyes of God, I think, “Man, no wonder I had such low self-esteem.” I do believe the worst thing about Christianity is the fact that you’re utter shit without Jesus’ say-so.  And that’s dumb.

  • fealty2dahriyah

    You have to love that. homogenize to the giant sack of turd you are w/o jesus. why don’t they recruit R. Lee Ermey, I think he’d do a better job. catholic grade school was great for stuff like this.

    jars of clay can sneak by… it seems almost nonchristian. you actually have to listen to catch it.

  • alternatego

    Yes, yes these guys don’t rock.  They probably hate music and should be killed (at the very least) for playing and/or writing it.  What makes up Christian rock, in my mind, is not a bunch of corny wanna-be’s, but people who like to play music but have a different worldview ( than non-Christians.  Music is pretty much always intended to influence – for that should be the reason why anyone writes: to say something.  Now, I will give you that not all musicians are tactful in this pursuit.  Should I listen to music that encourages me to have sex with someone other than my wife or kill people who disagree with me or by those who think I am stupid because I vote for the capitalism that has driven this country for 100’s of years?  Would you be offended if I said, “Respectfully, no thank you”?

  • olivesmarch4th

    I just have to add something, and it should speak for itself.  This is one of the choruses to a Newsboys (Christian Alternative) band I used to listen to in Junior High :

    “When the toast is burned,

    And all the milk has turned,

    And Captain Crunch is waving farewell

    When the Big One finds you

    May this song remind you

    That they don’t serve breakfast in Hell.”

  • fealty2dahriyah

    wow… I may have been wrong… that is my kind of damnation.

  • olivesmarch4th

    Nietzsche said, “Man creates God because is is too cowardly to admit that he himself is god.”

    I <3 Nietzsche.

  • fealty2dahriyah

    cheesy line #128

    why don’t we create a world of love between us…

  • Thundarr

    S7?  They suck to the power of 7?

  • fealty2dahriyah

    they bloody couldn’t use s8-n

  • Just Plain Bob





    <insert cleverly worded, witty defense of Christianity here>

    Psht. I’m not Jesus. I do in fact give up on some people. wink

  • Just Plain Bob

    Okay. No seriously. having looked at the actual test…

    there is no way that’s made with any degree of seriousness. No way, pardon the pun, in hell.

    The last few questions are so ridiculous.. oh come on, do any of you actually think Christians think like this?

    Oooh! So many bitterly sarcastic remarks i could fling at the author of this test!


    …i must say…

    I do find this particular question to be utterly hilarious, and you should all condemn your friends and neighbors based on it as often as possible.

    Count up the number of times the artist says “Yo!” on the album. This is a worldly word and should be avoided by true christians. Jesus never said it, so we shouldn’t. Multiply by 2 and subtract that.

  • .alphamonkey.

    The host site states very clearly that the test is satirical but based on a series of questions from an actual list put forth on a Christian usegroup list.

  • fealty2dahriyah

    jesus didn’t speak english, latin or german either… are they all evil too?

  • .alphamonkey.

    duh! yes.

  • fealty2dahriyah

    so the jews really are the chosen ones…. damn you hebrew w/ your chicken scratches and gutteral sounds

  • .alphamonkey.

    Don’t leave out our superior grasp of humor and guilt.

  • Just Plain Bob

    And bargains!

  • john

    all im going to say is that Jesus is real and that you guys are all weird.

  • .alphamonkey.

    Weird? Us?  Nah.  Now that guy standing over there with the sign saying we’re all damned to hell because of Will & Grace, and ritualistically engages in cannibalism every 7th day because it’ll please an invisible man in the sky?  He’s effin’ weird.

  • Just Plain Bob

    <insert cleverly worded, witty defense of being weird here>

  • .alphamonkey.

    Oh c’mon now, JPB.  You know I’ve got no problem with weird.  I’m just pointing out that weird is very much relative.

  • elkciN

    I like ponies!

  • .alphamonkey.

    Which is why I think you need to buy the left shirt here.

  • Just Plain Bob

    oh, sorry, the defense of weird was directed at john. just clicked the wrong reply-to link.

    and as far as weird being relative, yes, very much to. have you ever MET my relatives?

  • elkciN

    Thanks, but I’ve always felt that unicorn power comes from inside.

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