Bats! Bats!

by ZolarCzakl on December 16, 2004 · 6 comments

in Diversions

Is there some sort of extreme karmic retribution that happens when one kills a bat? I sure hope not.

You see, I recently moved from the giant drafty den of iniquity inhabited by alphamonkey and other servants of the dark beast into a nice little apartment in the ‘art kid’ section of the city. I really liked this place from the start; it looks cool, the location is good, and I’ve got a lot of space. One of the first nights I was moving in a friendly neighbor helped me carry my boxes and boxes of stuff up the four flights of stairs (no working elevator) and an hour later I was drinking vodka tonics with her and her next door neighbor. I thought, “This is good. I haven’t lived here for a day and I’ve already got new drinking buddies. Surely something creepy with vast karmic concequences won’t happen to me here!” Oh what a fool I was.

As the vodka slowly replaced the water in my bloodstream they told me about how our apartment building is haunted.  Ok, sure. Supposedly rituals were perfomed on the roof, people have reported strange ghosty things going on, someone saw a bat, and our building just happens to look about 1000% more creepy than any other building on the entire street. Ok, fine. Give me another drink. We all had a chuckle and moved on.

The next day we moved the furniture in and it was hell. By the end of the night I was truly exhausted and all I wanted to do was move a few more boxes in, put my bed together, and go to sleep. I opened the door to my apartment and was startled by something zooming around the room, seriously going apeshit. At first I thought it was a bird, but the black color, webby wings, and general furry bat-like appearance made me realize that this was indeed a creature of the night. Well, I freaked out. I don’t like bugs, I don’t like animals, and I really didn’t like the idea of sharing my apartment with a creature that could suddenly transform itself into Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee and kill the shit out of me. On second thought, that would actually be pretty cool. Anyway, I stood out in the hallway with the door open hoping that it would fly out, but of course that didn’t happen. It was circling my living room really fast and crazy and I’m sure it had foam dripping from it’s six inch fangs. Alright, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit. Well, it moved into the kitchen where it disappeared behind the wooden frame around the window. I was so tired that I didn’t care, so I just put my bed together and went to sleep.

About 30 minutes later I was awakened by the bat, flying apeshit style around my head. My first reaction was to jump out of bed and grab a pillow, teenage-girl-pillow-fight-style, and challenge the winged mammal to a duel. On the third swing I hit the bat, but in the follow-through my pillow hit a lamp and knocked it over. I was distracted by this and by the time I looked at the floor, it was gone. I looked under the bed and in the corners of the room, but my possibly-rabid foe was nowhere to be found. I figured that it was stunned by my forceful pillow blow and flew out, so with the aid of a closet door, a sheet, and an old hippie log drum, I blocked the entrance to the kitchen and tried to go back to sleep.

In my dreamlike state I heard what I imagined to be legions of bloodthirsty vampire bats clamoring at my doorway, full of hate and desiring nothing more than to swarm upon me and suck and kill, suck and kill. Maybe I shouldn’t have knocked off that third bottle of Robatussin before going to bed, but you can’t go back, now can you? When I finally woke up in the morning, I wiped the crust of red sugar from my lips and peered over to the dreaded area of my floor where I imagined my fallen advisary to be. Sure enough, there it was, lying motionless in the middle of my floor. Just to make sure it was dead I jumped out of bed, grabbed my handy Mariam Webster’s Collegiate dictionary and dropped it on the sucker. And yes, it did make a loud squishy sound. The next day they sealed the batcave and I haven’t had a problem since.

Now my question to you stands: is something really fucked-up and terrible going to happen to me because I killed the bat? Things have been cool so far. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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  • The Good Reverend

    hahaha great story.  And no, I think you are ok karmically.  I think I can quote what the Dalai Lama would say, to the letter: “What?  The bat couldn’t withstand a fucking pillow fight?”

    Btw, thank you.  I am going to start incorporating “apeshit-style” into my daily vernacular.

  • Just Plain Bob

    ZolarCzakl, you are my hero.

  • .alphamonkey.

    I’ve noticed that not a single one of you has questioned our dear ZolarCzakl on what became of that poor, defenseless bat’s remains.

    Now THAT is a tale to be told, my friends.

  • Da Urge

    I think if you deepfry it, it’ll be like the deepfried twinkies you get at the state fair.  Crispy on the outside, sweet and gooey on the inside.

  • Shadow Stalker

    You have no idea what horrors await you.

  • .alphamonkey.

    That was the day you tried to shove my skull through a wall using a couch, SS. Fun times!

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