Rock, Paper, Scissors hits the big time… who let Tom Arnold in here?

by The Good Reverend on December 13, 2004 · 3 comments

in Entertainment,Stupid People

Proving that tv execs truly do think that the American public are catatonic idiots that will slavishly watch any moving-picture-swill that’s put in front of them, Fox Sports Net has elected to televise the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship

Maybe those dumbass Creationists are right.  No WAY is this evolution.

I don’t know if, in my wildest college acid trip, I could have thought of something as exciting as this.  Non-stop action as two veteran, highly-trained, human specimens absolute fucking losers square off against each other and display one of three hand gestures on the “Go!” command of yet another guy – whose lack of ambition, talent, charisma, fill-in-just-about-any-goddamned-human-trait-advantageous-to-succeeding-in-society-here was of such magnitude that he was only good enough to sit on the sidelines and ref this piece of decaying shit-ka-bob that they are serving to us and calling entertainment.

I mean christ, I’m sure there are all manner of unbelievably ridiculous games that have become pasttimes for certain segments of the populace.  Alphamonkey, for example, is big into Furry-Wrestling.  Davion actively follows the competitive Back Hair Quilting circuit.  But neither of them go for tv contracts with their bizarre fetishes.  They have the good sense and decency not to try to shove that shit down the rest of our throats.  When, exactly, did Rock Paper Scissors enthusiasts attain the balls to assume that we give a shit?  Are they not aware that their “sport” is something done only to determine who serves/kicks off first in real sporting events.  Should I expect the World Coin Toss Championships in the near future?  Is the World Premiere of “Odd-or-Even” around the corner?

There are actually “stars” of this game.  HOW THE FUCK do you train for this?  “After studying hours of film of my opponent, I discovered he has a ‘tell’ when he’s going paper.” Oh and the instant replays!!  Exactly what percentage of the married couples in your family tree have to be also referring to each other as brother and sister for you to sit, Natty Light in hand, glued to your tv set as you watch slow-motion footage of a retard with a t-shirt emblazoned with the name “Roshambollah Master” (and some gay-ass flames or lightning bolts coming off the “R” perhaps) slowly flip is forearm down and form a clenched fist… while yet another 35-year-old virgin deftly masters the athletic prowess of opening his hand until it’s flat.  “Whoaaaaa!!!!  Did you just see that!!!  His rock just got pwned!!” Just picture that Rock Paper Scissors instant replay for a moment.  You feel stupid now, don’t you.  This knuckle-dragging moment of tv history is about to become realityWe are sending these transmissions to alien civilizations.  They’ve put away the big ships.

I seriously want to wait in the Fox Sports parking lot for these assholes’ board meeting to end one day, and just start stoning them to death, all the while yelling, “ROCK!  ROCK!  ROCK you fucking asshole!  ROCK!”

Oh yeah, and it’s hosted by Tom Arnold.  Jesus Tits.  Why not.

Thanks to Aunt Weezy for the link

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  • mrcookieface

    I actually had to review the RPS Society’s book, The Official Rock, Paper, Scissors Strategy Guide a month ago for one of our magazines.

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    I wasn’t kind.

    oh oh

  • Just Plain Bob

    I think you must have Typoed, there, It’s Me. you accidentally added “sports” to the end of that sentence when it wasn’t needed.

    As for evolution.. man, evolution’s dead. that’s the problem. We’ve stopped humans from evolving. Now we’re just stagnating, slowly turning raisin-fingered in our own luke-warm, piss-filled gene pool.

    SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST! That urge you get to kill people when they’re being really idiotic? That’s natural! you’re supposed to be weeding out the dumb ones, it’s a blessing to future generations.

  • fealty2dahriyah

    isnt this called roshambo now?

    didn’t anyone see the dude who won last year on conan?

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