How I long for a blackout.

by alphamonkey on January 6, 2005 · 13 comments

in Stupid People

I don’t mean a power blackout. I mean a full-on, no holds barred memory erasing blackout.  Why? Because I just finished having my eyes sexually assualted by Resident Evil: Electric Bugaloo. (Okay, so it’s RE: Apocalypse, but don’t tell me you don’t think EB would be better.)

I’m not going to write up some long dissertation on why this movie sucked. It’s a movie based off a video game. Suckiness is not only unsuprising, it’s actually federally required. But that doesn’t explain my intense need for a blackout, does it?  Nope.  Let me sum up the movie with three words that best capture the entire experience of RE: Retardolypse:

Topless Zombie Whores.

No, no.  Go back and read that line again.

Somebody pour me a shot or six. 

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1 fealty2dahriyah January 6, 2005 at 2:01 pm

in an age of movies when the tittie shot is limited I say this can’t be too bad of a film. any good shots of that wirery mila jovovich?

the only piece of the 80’s I wish to return is the gratuitus tits in every god damn movie, disney or not. bring it back boys…. show those puppies… remember something has to make up for your lack of plot, directing, and acting.

2 .alphamonkey. January 6, 2005 at 2:59 pm

Let me put it this way: if you like the naked physique of girls who look like 12 year old boys with nipples that look like sparkplugs, this is the movie for you.

3 jdeep6 January 6, 2005 at 2:37 pm

We ar ein synch AM!

I watched RE : A last night and came with almost the same conclusion.

Still… it is well done. I spent hours playing those games and i know every single details… I almost felt like I was ‘in’ the game when watching the movie.

But that doesn’t excuse for the bad performance of the cast (sienna gullory, how did they come up with that one?!), the 3 lines of the scenario, the visual FX (some are great, some look like what i did when i was working with CGI softwares 10 years ago)…

4 .alphamonkey. January 6, 2005 at 2:57 pm

I was taken back at how un-gorey it was for a Zombie film, as well as the craptastic cinematography for the actual zombie segements. In lieu of actual camera work, they just did some jerky slo-mo with whatever lens effect they had laying about.

Another retardo moment was the “The dead are coming back to life, so let’s walk through a FUCKING GRAVEYARD and be suprised that the corpses attacking us.” moment. Dumb dumb dumb. Even more retardo: While the running down the building was kinda cool, how did she get up there in the first place? And why? Couldn’t she just have sneaked up on them from the ground like the Russian bad-ass did?

This film suffers from what SS has aptly described as “set pieces in lieu of plot and narrative”. The motorcycle thing? Stupid. (Side Note: I didn’t know that churchs had ramps built into their aisles. Weird!)

Oh how I long for action films that try to at least follow their own internal logic. Die Hard, where have you gone?

5 jdeep6 January 6, 2005 at 3:45 pm

true true… so i am talking with a brilliant cinema lover. You’re right.

But I want to point out that this is not cinema.

this is entertainment, a logicless video thing between MTV-like Musicvideos and MOTW.

This ain’t no cinema. So I pointed out the good thing from an entertainment flick, but of course it is dumb. Not funny, dumb.

I assure you, we have almost as much flicks like this in France as you do. We are feeding off the same ‘nipple’ smile

that’s the way of the world.

‘Die Hard’ kicks ass. But I guess we won’t get that kind of movie ever. I’m off to watch some entertainment material that should be considered as cinema : “The 1981 Midnight Special featuring Andy Kaufman”

They should have hired Tony Clifton for RE : Apocalyps-eee. He definitely would have saved the day!

6 fealty2dahriyah January 6, 2005 at 4:11 pm

I think I’m going to make a movie full of one liners, things exploding, and major scene cuts every 2 minutes. hell why is hollywood making 1 or 2 hour movies anyways…. they should be 30mins tops. they already took away everything that filled that time.

is it any wonder that we pirate movies/music instead of throwing our cash away to the pigs who make this crap. my dvdburner is one the best investments of my life… that and a netflix subscription.

viva la burner…

what happend to the good ole days of making a movie off maxing out 5 credit cards… you know back in the 90’s…

7 Thundarr January 7, 2005 at 11:34 pm

I have 2 questions.

1. Why would anyone even remotely sane (monkey barely fits this category), ever, and I mean ever, watch this shit?

2. How can you complain after you chose to watch it?  What are you complaining about?  You knew it was going to be terrible, you paid to watch it be terrible, and it was terrible.  It’s almost Zen.

8 .alphamonkey. January 8, 2005 at 1:51 am

Nope. It t’was free.  Hence my right to complain of it’s vast suckiness.

9 The Good Reverend January 8, 2005 at 7:20 pm

nope.  Time is a commodity.. therefore you did pay to see this movie. smile

Personally, I liked it.  Davion, myself, and another friend watched this one night while drinking and playing poker.  It’s all about expectation.  We wanted a movie where we could talk over it and not lose plot, see stupid dead shit running around, and drool over the ultra-beautiful Milla.  The film delivered.  In fact, it over-delivered – I had no idea that Sienna girl was in the movie.  She sparked a half-hour long debate as to which woman was hotter (it ended in stalemate).

I think I speak for the 3 of us when I give the movie a B-.

10 .alphamonkey. January 8, 2005 at 7:32 pm

You are an affront to all that is good.

11 The Good Reverend January 8, 2005 at 8:04 pm

hehehe be that as it may, it was a good movie. wink

12 .alphamonkey. January 8, 2005 at 9:10 pm

That’s what you said about Charlie’s Angels : Full Throttle, too.

13 The Good Reverend January 10, 2005 at 1:19 am

didn’t see that one, but I’m sure I would have liked it.  mmm.. Lucy Liu.

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