Thank you for not smoking.

by alphamonkey on January 19, 2005 · 11 comments

in Sexuality

After an untold number of failed attempts and tearful reconciliations (as recently as last weekend no less), I am saddened to announce that I am leaving my longtime companion, Joe Camel. 

Joe’s been with me since Reagan was in office, and we’ve had many good times and exciting adventures both here and in neighboring Flavor Country.  There have been ups and down like any relationship, but by in by Joe’s stuck by my side like no other.  I am forced to admit however, that all things must pass as The Quiet One used to say.

Why, you might ask, is it time to abandon my most steadfast and honest pal? Well I’m embarassed to admit it, I confess. You know, no matter how hard we try to go through a relationship with our eyes wide open, invariably we’re forced to concede that we’re willfully blind to the shortcomings of our nearest and dearest.  In this case, my pal’s biggest fault was that he was actively trying to kill me.  Truly.  Weird, huh? Imagine my suprise.

It’s not as if my other friends didn’t warn me, either.  “Dude, Joe’s totally gonna shorten your life.” “Joe’s not good for you.” and “Joe makes me not want to be around you. And he smells.” “Alphamonkey, you’re totally gay.” I laughed it off and chalked it up to jealousy and hipster mumbo jumbo.  But who’s laughing now, Joe? Who’s laughing now? 

Well not me, that’s for sure. I would kill a hobo in front of a pre-school class for a smoke right now.  But you know what I always say?  “In your face, Mr. T!”, that’s what.

I can see I’ve lost some of you there.  We’ll try this again when we’re calmer.

Thanks for reading. 

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1 fealty2dahriyah January 19, 2005 at 3:39 pm

having been there… a very freezing cold turkey for 2 years… I returned. so good luck. learn to hate the smell and become that dude who bitches about it constantly. I’m happy where I am now though… only about 3 packs a week, at most.

2 Just Plain Bob January 19, 2005 at 5:12 pm

you can do it, Alpha. I believe in you!

3 Cananopie January 19, 2005 at 6:46 pm

Let us know how it goes. My friends are always “trying to quit.” It’s a cruel game, but I like to watch.

4 mrcookieface January 19, 2005 at 7:46 pm

Who are you, and what have you done with alphamonkey?

5 Souped_up_on_Jihad January 19, 2005 at 8:28 pm

I can tell you three things:

1. The pills work great until you are supposed to come off them.

2. The patches work great until you are supposed to come off them.

3. My best results have come from quiting cold turkey. (And it was cheaper).

Much luck to you.

6 .alphamonkey. January 19, 2005 at 9:24 pm

I’m doing it turkey style.

7 fealty2dahriyah January 20, 2005 at 2:34 pm

double up the pills, double up the patch, eat all the gum, take a dramamine, do a little dipping and smoke a pack of unfilters. oh and take sisarian(sp) root. that combo should give you a nice pavlovian sickness for nicotine to get you past the next few weeks if not years. granted you will be sick as a dog for a day, but we do have the technology to rebuild you.

8 .alphamonkey. January 20, 2005 at 2:41 pm

Nope. No pills, no patch, no gum.

9 drgonzoguitar January 20, 2005 at 3:20 pm

Ah yes….the joy of quitting smoking.  When I watch a classic film from the 40s or 50s, I salivate during every smoking scene.  I did gain about 15lbs when I quit (damn potato chips and cookies), but I have managed to stem the eating tide.  I had the fortunate pleasure of quitting smoking while in the hospital for intestinal surgery.  When you get morphine every two hours, you don’t feel like performing any spontaneous spine removals.  So my advice?  Get some morphine…..

10 .alphamonkey. January 20, 2005 at 3:28 pm

I’ll get right on that.

11 fealty2dahriyah January 20, 2005 at 4:08 pm

having been a morphine user.. that shit is fantastic.. and it makes cigarettes taste aweful.

alpha you still have too many positive feelings about smoking… you must purge them.

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