After an untold number of failed attempts and tearful reconciliations (as recently as last weekend no less), I am saddened to announce that I am leaving my longtime companion, Joe Camel.
Joe’s been with me since Reagan was in office, and we’ve had many good times and exciting adventures both here and in neighboring Flavor Country. There have been ups and down like any relationship, but by in by Joe’s stuck by my side like no other. I am forced to admit however, that all things must pass as The Quiet One used to say.
Why, you might ask, is it time to abandon my most steadfast and honest pal? Well I’m embarassed to admit it, I confess. You know, no matter how hard we try to go through a relationship with our eyes wide open, invariably we’re forced to concede that we’re willfully blind to the shortcomings of our nearest and dearest. In this case, my pal’s biggest fault was that he was actively trying to kill me. Truly. Weird, huh? Imagine my suprise.
It’s not as if my other friends didn’t warn me, either. “Dude, Joe’s totally gonna shorten your life.” “Joe’s not good for you.” and “Joe makes me not want to be around you. And he smells.” “Alphamonkey, you’re totally gay.” I laughed it off and chalked it up to jealousy and hipster mumbo jumbo. But who’s laughing now, Joe? Who’s laughing now?
Well not me, that’s for sure. I would kill a hobo in front of a pre-school class for a smoke right now. But you know what I always say? “In your face, Mr. T!”, that’s what.
I can see I’ve lost some of you there. We’ll try this again when we’re calmer.
Thanks for reading.