Since we’re at the start of the long slippery path to that pit of debauchary we call The Weekend, I think we should take a moment and discuss the topic that is going to be on everyone’s mind. That’s right: Sex.
Men, are you tired of your lady feeling too excited? Women, are your men less than filling, so to speak? Have we found the product for you! (note: It’s sex talk. So maybe NSFW if you’re working for say Fred Phelps, The Bush Administration, or Cracker Barrel)
Does Your Sex Life Suffer Because Of Excess Vaginal Wetness?
Is your lovemaking less satisfying because you get too wet during sex?
Do you want better sex without worry or embarrassment?
Do you want more romance, intimacy and fulfillment?
Do you want to drive men wild with a tighter vagina?
This is the point where I’d like to say that I’m making this up as some kind of bizarro fake product ad, but sadly this is just a cut and paste from Absorbshun.com, the company run by Scott and Cynthia Koss, a couple who seemed to have learned their sexual secrets from reading about the AIDS epidemic in Africa.
Yes, according to the manufacturers the key to good sex is corn starch. Or as they call it, “the finely pulverized cells of an unmodified, naturally occurring maize plant.” But before you bust out your credit card, maybe you should bear these facts in mind:
This product may compromise condom integrity. Do not use with condoms
This product is not a birth control device and cannot be used as a condom
This product does not prevent sexually transmitted diseases.
Do not use with multiple partners
Use of AbsorbShun natural powder in any quantity may cause temporary tenderness and micro abrasions to the genital area
Wow! So not only does it give you that dry, rough feeling we all love, but it also chaffs and tears the tender bits making for more dangerous sex since you can’t use it with a condom? Man, that’s sex to the extreme!