Warning – if you are not British or an avid real football fan, this post will make absolutely no sense to you. So, I’ve included a video of a Scottish DUI stop (courtesy of Alastair Jones) so that everyone’s happy.
And for those of you that know nothing of English Premier League, but would like to be “cultured”, I found a little primer for you, explaining a little bit about EPL structure.. and how many fans of each club have been killed over the years due to hooliganism.
EPL’s Carling Cup Finals fast approacheth, and if you are an American that happens to have friends from across the pond that are dyed-in-the-wool Scouser apologists, you get emails like the below in your inbox, pissing and moaning about why Liverpool isn’t at the top of the league and throwing out some pre-match excuses. So, I give you Alastair’s predictions for the 2005 Carling Cup Final, Chelsea v Liverpool, on Feb. 27th…
Carling Cup Final Predictions
by Alastair Jones
Chelsea put on a stunning display today in the Carling Cup Final. The Blues went ahead just before the kick-off when Duff was sent away down the left wing. His cross was handled on the half way line by a Liverpool defender and a penalty was awarded for this cynical foul. Lampard stepped up to slot the ball home for Chelsea’s 33rd penalty of the season. It was no more than Chelsea deserved.
The 15th minute saw the Super-Smashing Blues go two up after Steven Gerrard was penalized for coughing just outside the area. Arjen Robben’s resultant free kick was slightly miss-hit, but even if the keeper was not being pinned to the floor by Claude Makelele, he would not have saved it. 2-0. It was no more than Chelsea deserved.
The 21st minute saw more trouble for Liverpool when Dietmar Hamman was sent-off for enquiring about the referee’s Chelsea shirt. However two minutes after the interval Liverpool struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune. The referee’s assistant could only parry Harry Kewel’s shot and Milan Baros thumped the ball home. Confusion reigned for 10 minutes as the entire Chelsea squad surrounded the referee, arguing that the referee’s assistant had been fouled 15 minutes earlier. The referee grudgingly had to give the goal even though he racked his brain for a reason to disallow it.
Jose Morhinho was furious and rushed down from his seat in the stand to the dugout, knocking over a number of blind, disabled, and pensioners in wheel-chairs on the way down. Fortunately, things settled down again as Lampard took a long-range shot, which deflected off the corner flag but had clearly crossed the line, 3-1. It was no more than Chelsea deserved.
Just after the restart, un-sportsmanlike Alonso was dismissed for making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Makelele had nearly decapitated Baros. The referee and his assistant missed the incident as they were both asking Robben for his autograph, but replays showed that Makelele’s flying kung-fu kick, followed by a forearm smash was clearly unintentional.
Ten minutes later Morhinho took off Robben and replaced him with Drogba, Kezman and the suspended Tiago. Wonderful, wonderful Chelsea’s 4th came shortly after. Morientes was caught offside just outside the Liverpool penalty area and Drogba’s free-kick thundered in after deflecting off the underside of the flood lights. It was no more than Chelsea deserved.
The super, marvel, wonder Blues kept the pressure on until the bitter end. In the 98th minute Jamie Carragher conceded a free kick just outside his own area for blatantly glancing at the referee. Drogba stepped up and proceeded to chip the ball right into the referee’s path and he made no mistake from 10 yards. Goal number 5 and it was no more than Chelsea deserved.
Lampard slotted home number 6 from the penalty spot after Carragher went down with a broken leg. Fortunately Makelele was nearby when it happened and, after running 50 yards, he was able to bring the incident to the referee’s attention. Unfazed by Carragher’s cynical tactics, protruding bone and spraying blood, the referee sent him off for diving (and time wasting) and awarded Chelsea the penalty. Lampard cheekily chipped the ball over the keeper and the crossbar, but the referee decided that it was a goal, because based on past records, Lampard rarely missed.
When the final whistle went after 33 minutes of injury time, Liverpool traipsed off with their heads low, having been taught a footballing lesson by what is by far the greatest team the World has ever seen. As the losers hit the showers, a superb flowing movement by Chelsea culminated with a fine diving header by Jose Morhinho and it was 7-1. However the referee decided that it was such a good goal, it should count double.
8-1 then – and it was no more than Chelsea deserved.