In Case of Rapture, this blog will function as normal.

by alphamonkey on March 1, 2005 · 9 comments

in General Tomfoolery,Miscellany

(as an added bonus, non-believers will get the chance to look up a lot of skirts) I’m fascinated by the cults that align themselves with the Rapture.  (Yes, Left Behind readers count.) For those of you unaware, the Rapture is the event in which the J-man is supposed to come down and bring all of his faithful followers to the Big Buffet in the sky, leaving unbelievers to wander the earth with a little more bounce in their step and a smile on their face.

Finally NC-17 films will show in major theaters!  American television will be less sugary and will show boobies!  Gays and lesbians will marry, and the resulting cash flow will reinvigorate our economy making America truly the most prosperous nation in history!  As an added bonus, we’ll get to poke fun at people who thought they’d be taken up, but then found out that Jesus (like most of us) has a low tolerance for self-righteous assholes.

For some odd reason, the byways of the Intraweb are just chock full of Rapture goodness.  Considering the internet makes Sodom look like DollyWood, I find this highly hilarious. From Rapture Ready, a site designed to guide you to bliss using the bible’s very simple and never misinterpreted language, to Rapture Letters, where you can send your unbelieving friends a post-Rapture ‘nyah-nyah’ and explain why you didn’t show up for the carpool that morning.  Yes, our beloved internet is fast becoming the online equivalant of the Heaven’s Gate cult, but without the cool shoes and with a lot more bukkake. 

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  • Thundarr

    I thought we’d hear less from these folks when the world didn’t end in 2000, but it seems like they just won’t go away.  I think we need a clever name for ‘em.  How about Raptarians?  Really Religious Rapture Readers?

  • Souped_up_on_Jihad

    I put you on my rapture list Alpha. The funny part will be when you get the e-mail about the rapture then call me up. We’ll have a beer or something.

  • Shadow Stalker

    Does the rapture list employ one guy who spends all his time drinking at the strip club?  Somebody has to be around to send the emails.


    I am getting countless e-mails about this election signalling the rise of anti christ. Let me provide some answers from Bible prophecy that should calm the fears of alot of frightened Americans out there..”This gospel must be preached to all the world before the end can come.”Math.24:13.” This promise has not yet been fulfilled. Jesus said, “let no man decieve you by any means” concerning the time of my coming.”Math.24:4″ Jesus warned christians about false teachers who would come in his name, “deceiving many” over an early or late time of his coming.. Jesus stated plainly, modern christians today will be “killed for my sake,” and all must “endure to the end.” To what end should they then endure? To the end of the harvest. The harvest is here, and the workers want to run away to be raptured up and escape the harvest. We must not be seeking to avoid our responsibilities, and we must work for the cause of saving many more souls. Christ promised us, he will not return for any such reason, nor for any early rapture until his world wide missionary effort is completed. America is a critical part of the gospels success, we therefore must remain a christian nation no matter what happens. This means christians who have been practicing their faith through out life, will now be called upon to play for the real game which they have been preparing for, henseforth… The harvest is ready, and the laborers are few. That means you and I. See video recorded below with Sarah Palin requesting Gods help through our prayers. In world war one and two, it was common practice for American families to pray for the troops abroad. Why do we not do so as much today? Are you and your family praying for the troops each day? Are you doing this in your church meetings? Sarah Palins son is in Iraq risking his life for our country. We prayed for both Sarah Palin and McCain to win the election. I have ran into far too many christians who were not worried about this election, expected to get raptured up to heaven anyway. I heard the same constant fatalism of believing that God had now removed himself from America and it was now too late. The reports show clearly that as many as 4 to 5 million christians did not even bother to vote this year. I believe that we lost this election because of this widespread rapture theory which has removed a critical advantage of our christian voter block. I wrote a book in order to warn christians about these false teachers who have come in the name of Jesus to decieve them about the time of his coming. Obama prevailed, and he will face an economic crisis in which he will not have the skill, nor experience to confront this crisis, nor contain it. When his policies fail, the domocrats will then have no one else to blame. The country will then seek better leadership from leaders like Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney and others who have great skill in fixing the economy. That is why I need your help to reach these deluded christian voters by providing biblical warnings to those who have been sucked into this pre-trib mind set, and bring them back to reality..Sarah Palin is a winner no matter what happens because she has gained our trust and the trust of the national conservative movement. All of Palins warnings given dureing the election concerning Obama, these warnings will soon come true. This will seal Palins words into future history. Her words will become more credable dureing the Obama presidency after time moves on.. listen to Sarah as recorded below giving her explanation for obtaining Gods blessings by following her own families example. Help our troops in Iraq by sending this message to Christian voters. Here is a video that leftists are spreading across youtube in order to hurt Palins credability. Please pay close attention so you are not decieved by democrat supporters. click lion with wings, to see the Palin video and my videos about Iraq in prophecy.
    I am a christian who worked many long hours within the past two years trying to gather conservative support from other christians. I would like to point out a stumbling blocks that gave me extreme difficulty while trying to gather election support from a majority of good christians. When making my requests for sharing e-mails or needing foot soldiers to spread the conservative message to other voters, I kept hearing the same fatalism as to why it would not do much good to worry about this election. Over and over I heard these words. I believe Obama is going to win because God is finished with America and we are directly headed into the tribulation period. Jesus is coming soon to rapture us up and out from under this mess, so it matters little what we can do.
    I recieved many long sermons from people about concerning the anti christ or messiah being Obama, and how the mark of the beast was to be implanted into Americans through home land securety, and the world banking system. I tried to persuade these people that America still has a christian mission to perform in Iraq, and in many other places who have not heard the gospel yet. They would reply by stateing, these people must all go through the tribulation to become humbled enough to accept Jesus that way. I requested scripture many times from these christians as to how I might sight specific Bible scriptures to support this popular theory. I was only given scattered assumtions from less than clear biblical source material, always taken far from out of context. Most of the theory did not come from the Bible at all, but was obviously spun from peoples own speculations. See Bible scripture which reveals the truth, with youtube video. .

  • Mick

    OMG. You are insane.

  • .alphamonkey.

    Best comment ever.

  • BAD

    I’ve seen crazier dribble, but yours just wins by sheer volume. Congratulations.

  • Adam

    Paul, I’ve never heard such a cover-up for racism and political bigotry like yours.

    So are you saying that God is going to give up on America just because a self-proclaimed Christian who cares about social welfare was elected? Or, more likely, you probably think God’s giving up on America because our President-elect supports the choice of abortion and because he’s black.

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s abortion and race that you care most about. You think God actually cares about abortion and the color of skin. Even after ordering every first-born in Egypt killed and after giving orders on multiple occasions to kill every “man, woman and child”. And even though Jesus himself was more of a kin to Muslims than he was to any White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. And even though some of the most special movements in Christianity are coming in Africa. Nope, that’s definitely not convincing. Any non-white person in political power is a SIGN OF THE IMMINENT RAPTURE OMG11!!!11

    Go home, troll. I think with your judgmental diatribes and false prophesy, you’ll be one of those who are left behind crying anyway.

  • BAD

    Adam I appreciate your effort, but you can’t fight that kind of crazy. His internal world is far larger than our real one, and far more real to him.

    The most you can do is look in awe and possibly shake your head.

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