There are times when I think that all the world’s comedians need to just bow down to the masterful glory of IMDB News.
Seriously. Think of… say, Inside Hollywood and then give it fetal alcohol syndrome. Now hit it with a hammer that’s been laced with PCP. You’ve now created something 1000x more intelligent than the crap that shows up on IMDB’s news section. Let’s take a look at some of today’s headlines:
Hilton Wants Kids to Complete Her Paris Hilton. With kids. There’s a recipie for disaster. Yah, let’s give that giggling jizz jar a couple of yard apes to play with. Maybe she’ll give birth to Damien and he can push her down the stairs already. Buddha knows she seems to get down with any bipedal hominid that stumbles into her field of vision, so there’s no telling what the result would be.
Lohan Eyes Iraq Trip: Yes, Lindsey Lohan is thinking about heading to Iraq in order to boost morale for the troops. While I’ll applaud her calculating patriotic photo-op attempts, I’d like to remind her that the point of our endeavor is to make the Iraqi people like America, not give them further cause to hate us. I live in this country and Lindsey Lohan makes me hate America.
Farrell Begged 70-Year-Old Actress for Sex While I don’t think I’d be shocked if news reports stated the Irish ‘badboy’ Colin Farrell drunkenly tried to hump the Chrysler Building, try to show a little restraint here, IMDB.
Timberlake to Have Operation to Save Singing Career: Strange, I didn’t think they could surgically insert talent and soul. The report states that Timberlake was discovered to have nodules on his throat during recording sessions with Snoop Dogg. No word on whether the curly former moppet recognized his throat ailments as a sign of the Universe’s displeasure with his career choices.
Oh, Hollywood! Thank you for proving yet again that, despite having more money than most of us would see in 20 lifetimes, your brightest stars are universally dimmer than dirt that’s been pissed on by a hobo.