Let’s face it: Cheating on your significant other is just not cool. Period. But you’re the person who swore they weren’t going to drink that whole 12 pack of Camo Silver one sitting, so obviously you have self-control issues.
|no one in this photo is worth it|
The odds of you staying faithful are roughly equivalent to those of the state of North Dakota waking up on the moon tomorrow, so it’s not a question of if, but when. Though just because you’re a two-timing tramp doesn’t mean that you don’t have rules you need to follow.
It’s one thing to cheat on your girlfriend with that slut from accounts payable; it’s another to actually do it on the kitchen table during Thanksgiving dinner. Furthermore, no matter how smart you think you are, you’re probably going to get caught. Why? Well, you’re dumb enough to cheat, which means you’re more than dumb enough to get caught, which means you’ll have to deal with the consequences.
Like any relationship, the rules change as time progresses. What can make or break the relationship in the first six months might just warrant a couple of nights on the couch and Camaro getting mysteriously keyed and dented four years in. Not that longevity brings any immunity from the consequences of your illicit trips to the forbidden cookie jar. Far from it, but seeing as you’ve already made up your mind to be a complete dumbass, you might as well know what you’re in for.
- First Week Cheating: Dude, now seriously. You really couldn’t wait? She’s totally breaking up with you, and with good reason. Jerk. At this point, you should consider dating a hollowed out ham. It’s cheaper, safer, and the ham won’t care when you buy a new one.
Break-Up Odds: 100%
- First Month Cheating: Still pretty stupid, but obviously you’re no rocket scientist. At this point, you can expect some screaming, a lot of crying, and all of her friends treating you like you just set fire to baby Jesus with a gasoline soaked kitten. If you’re smart, you won’t have told any of them where you live or work.
Break-Up Odds: 90%.
- Second Month Cheating: The only way you’ll pull this off is by claiming the ‘ex-girlfriend’ defense and saying you had to get it out of your system. Even so you’ll probably get the back window of your Civic shattered, and her brother will kick your ass in a Denny’s parking lot. Heaven help you if you did it with one of her friends.
Break-Up Odds: 80%
- Sixth Month Cheating: You’re on less shaky ground, but by now she knows your habits. Cheating will be more difficult unless it’s a bathroom quickie with a bar tramp. Get caught now and kiss your stereo goodbye. It’s out the window along with your framed Van Halen poster and that beer mug you like so much. This is pretty much the last chance you can get caught without suffering grievous physical harm from someone with access to all your soft bits.
Break-Up Odds: 70%
- One Year Cheating: Nothing commemorates an anniversary like some low-down dirty infidelity, eh? There’s probably no chance you’ve been Mr. Great Boyfriend up until now, but that’s about the only thing that’d save you from some serious beat-down action. Expect at LEAST one swift kick to the googlies, and you’d better have some serious cash reserves lying about, ‘cause forgiveness ain’t coming cheap. Get to know your local jeweler and florist, and possibly a car dealer.
Break-Up Odds: 65%
- Two Year Cheating: Depending on what kind of relationship you’ve had, you’re in for some serious payback. I hope that “shots girl” at Carlos O’Kelly’s was worth the nightmare of guilt, torture, and never-ending payback you’ve got coming your way. From out and out googly kicking pain to subtle tortures like having your TiVo settings erased, she’s gonna make you know you’re in trouble.
|so so gone|
Hey, that first pressing “Let It Bleed” vinyl you picked up at a garage sale? Well, now its candle wax. Feel like renting a movie in which the deepest relationship is between Steven Segal and his gun? Forget it, ‘cause you’re on a 8 month diet of Bridget Jones, Mona Lisa Smile, and probably any movie with overtly lesbian themes (and not in a Skinamax After Dark way, either). Why not just save time and start wearing a skirt, ‘cause you ain’t wearing the pants anymore, that’s for sure. If you’re really smart, you’ll cook all your own food for AT LEAST a year.
Break-Up Odds: What do you care? You’re an idiot!
I’m sure you’d like me to say that it gets easier/better over time, but of course that’s completely wrong. Each day/month/year you’re together is extracted in corresponding pounds of flesh, and that’s if she doesn’t just chemically castrate you in your sleep and THEN dump you. Of course, it’s your own damn fault for being a complete moron, but most likely you’ve made some series of horribly stupid financial choices so you’re totally stuck. Unless of course Candi down at the Gas ‘n Sip was serious when she said you could move into the abandoned van behind her double-wide.
The fact is that the only person stupider than you would be a girl willing to take you back, but that doesn’t mean you get to be all cocky and Mr. Cool. If you value the pathetic life you have, you will beg, beg, beg, and beg some more for her to take your cheatin’ ass back. Pride? You’ve got none. Face it: you lost and she won. Remember that: She Won. Even if you don’t mean it, you’d best pretend like you do, because that’s the only thing keeping you above ground and with working parts. And that’s if you live North of the Mason-Dixon line. South of that line and you’d best get real familiar with the strains of Duelin’ Banjos, cause that’s the only mood music you’re ever gonna hear again.
I know at least one of you is thinking “Hey, girls cheat too! Why can’t I?” Well, you can, but you’re going to suffer for it. Guys who cheat do it because they’re idiots. Girls who cheat do it because they’re evil, and evil beats stupid every time. The LAST thing you want to do is get into an infidelity war with a woman. Why? Because you cheat on her with any willing female hominid who manages to hoove into your field of vision, but her? She THINKS about it. Plans for it. Writes technical papers on it. You slept with a waitress. She’s gonna sleep with that guy who beat you up on Prom Night and stole your date. You sleep with your secretary, and she’ll sleep with the entire cast of The Great Space Coaster. On camera, and probably live over the internet. Sleep with her sister or best friend, and she’s going to sleep with your dad. Over thanksgiving weekend. During dinner, and on the table.