Yeah, here’s a couple of big Hollywood bombs you can skip, unless you enjoy being depressed and suicidal at Christmas.
Unaccompanied Minors is dumb fun for kids (and may well have been written by some) about a group of pre-teens stuck in an airport on Christmas Eve. Think Home Alone mixed with Die Hard 2, with the writing ratcheted down three notches.
But as bad as it is at least it’s better than Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto (or as I will forever remember it – Acrapalypto). Long, tedious, unimaginably boring sequences only interrupted by unintentionally funny moments and dialogue.
Read on, if you dare!
Apocalypto: 1 & ½ Stars
Apocalypto is, apparently, Mayan for “Mel Gibson’s pretentious crap.” For a film delving into a foreign culture in a majestic untouched land it sure has a feel of heavy American influences as characters act and speak more like frat boys than Mayan warriors. The story centers around Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood) whose village is attacked and taken prisoner to be sacrificed by Mayan priests. He struggles to free himself and race home to save his pregnant wife (Dalia Hernandez) and young son (Carlos Emilio Baez) who he hid at the bottom of a well. Fine when it devolves into NC-17, (though here Rated-R, Thanks Disney), mindless violence and chase scenes, as Jagura Paw outruns a jaguar and goes all First Blood on the Mayan warriors who chase him. However the dialogue, and American coloquial subtitles, will make you both groan and gufffaw (when you aren’t bored to tears).
Unaccompanied Minors: 2 Stars
My favorite part was when Macaulay Culkin hit the burglar with the paint can. Seriously, they might as well have titled it “Home Alone: Unaccompanied Minors.” The “plot” concerns a group of kids who are snowed in at an airport on Christmas eve and a maniacal airport manager (Lewis Black) who wants them out of his hair. Dumb kid humor runs rampant here, though as bad as the film is at least the kids aren’t annoying and I wasn’t trying to slice open my wrists with my drink straw. That’s something right? The film is only interesting for the cast which includes two Daily Show alumni (Black and Rob Corddry), Tyler James Williams (from Everybody Hates Chris), Gina Mantegna (daughter of Joe Mantegna), and Bad Santa‘s Brett Kelly. Too bad so much of the talent is wasted here on such a dumb script.