DVD Craptacular!

by mr sparkle on January 30, 2007 · 15 comments

in Uncategorized

Henceforth, I officially declare the Thirtieth of January of all ensuing years to be dubbed ‘Crap Day,’ so that we may honor the shitty releases on DVD set for this Tuesday.

Gymkata:  I haven’t seen Gymkata, but that doesn’t hold me back from recommending this title.  The 1985 film follows the quest of an Olympian gymnast to use his skills in the fictional nation of Parmistan to win “The Game,” so that the U.S. Government might use it as a sight for its Star Wars program.  alphamonkey believes this to possibly be the worst film to ever be filmed, and I’m sure that once I get my grubby mitts on this DVD, I won’t disagree.  In other news, I’m still dying to know when the sweet chocolate Christ we’re going to get Yor, the Hunter From the Future on DVD.

The Marine: Unrated: Wrestler John Cena brings the pain in this action flick ignored in theaters last year.  As a side note: being the faithful Kevin Federline fanatic that I am compels me to remind the reader of K-Fed’s embarrassingly powerful victory over Cena in the WWE this month.

Michael Bolton: My Secret Passion:  I don’t know anything about this DVD, but based purely on the title, I’m sure this release be on the fast track to being a modern classic of Music DVDs.  I’ll let the Bolt himself, per the Amazon page for the DVD , do the talking on this release: “I hope you will feel the rapture of this classic, timeless music, created for all of us to enjoy. And I hope you will join me in sharing what has become and remained until now my secret love, my secret passion.”

Open Season: I’ve been saying it for years, give me a movie with hilarious comedian Martin Lawrence and the undeniably talented actor Ashton Kutcher, and I’ll give you $20 for the DVD!  Don’t be like me.  Thundarr gives you a reason why.

The Passion of the Christ: Definitive Edition:  Okay, so not everything being released today is crap.  Though thoroughly debated and argued, Mel Gibson gave us a damn powerful film with his Passion.  I don’t think it’s anti-Semitic; but even if it is, that doesn’t keep the movie from being a more thorough and devastating account of Jesus’ last hours than, dare I say it, the Gospel.  Following 2004’s bare-bones release of the film, this two-disc set contains a new cut that lasts an additional 14 minutes and a whole buncha special features (you can check the Amazon page for a full list.) Although, oddly enough, it seems that the DVD skips covering the controversy of the film, which would have made for an obvious vignette as far as I’m concerned.

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  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    Thank God someone else knows about (or has seen) Gymkata. I was beginning to think maybe it was all in my head.

    I’ve seen that movie 2 times. I still have no idea why.

    There’s a pommel horse fight, for God’s sake. Against canibalistic town folk, no less. I think this movie is the very definition of ‘Craptacular’

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    I saw Gymkata in the theater. I kid thee not.

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    They released that movie in theaters?!?! I could not have lasted more than a week. Please tell me it didn’t.

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    If I recall correctly, it was at the showing of Gymkata that I first saw the trailer for Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, which I also saw in the theater.

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    Yes, but The Last Dragon is one of my favorite (bad) movies of all time. It’s another one I’m used to hearing ‘what are you talking about?’ as a response when I bring it up. They glowed man, they glowed with pure kung-fu power.

    I’m actually pretty jealous that you got to see that one in the theater.


    (If someone says Jenkins, I’ll punch them.)

    This is reminding me (for some reason, I think the whole ‘bad movie’ thing) that I watched I’m Gonna Git You Sucka this weekend. I know it’s not really relevant, but damn I love that movie. ‘Didn’t they know about the elevator?’ It gets me everytime.

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    Is there where I point out that I have the soundtrack on vinyl?

    “All the masters know that you need the glow. You need to grow the glow to grow.”

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    Whoops, just checked.

    Total US Gross: $3,249,442

    More than I would’ve thought. $5 of that is yours, AM, I hope you’re happy.

  • cbebop007

    Wait, “Gymkata” was a movie? I thought it was just a dream I had last night.

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    Maybe it’s just that one eye…

    You know, the one that only sees the past?

    Tune in for our next exciting episode:

    Cowboy Bebop rocks -OR- Assuming makes an ass out of Nick.

  • cbebop007

    No, Nick is not an ass. At least not that I know of.

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    I’m gonna go ahead and say a preemptive “am not” to alphamonkey.

    Was just watching my bebop dvds the other day, one of my favorite animes (I don’t watch very many, and must admit to only being introduced to this one via adult swim). Probably would say my 2nd favorite to FLCL (that show changed my life….really), which is an ongoing debate between myself and a friend who’s a diehard CB fan. Though I have to admit that CB’s soundtrack is better.

  • cbebop007

    Exactly what happened to me: caught Cowboy Bebop on adult swim, got hooked, couldn’t really get into any other anime. FLCL is entertaining…but I’d have to give it to CB. : )

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    I can remember that a bunch of my friends got together to watch the first showing of adult swim. It was pretty much my first exposure to anime, as well. So, yeah, the same thing goes, it pretty much ruined most other anime for me. With the exception of FLCL, of course. You have to watch the whole series a couple times (it’s only 6 episodes, c’mon) to get everything, and every time I watch it I find something new. Hard to explain, but I swear the meaning of life is contained somewhere in there.

    Have you seen any of Samurai Champloo (made by the Bebop people)? I completely dig that show’s style.

  • http://www.expage.com/ianthomas Muldoon

    Yeah, I’ve never really made an attempt to get into anime; but I can’t imagine I’d ever find anything nearly as kickasstacular as FLCL.  It just might be the most inventive and insane show I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching.

  • http://www.myspace.com/dragonlews elkciN

    I sit down to watch the whole series on DVD at least once every couple months.

    I think the best part is that everyone that I’ve forced to watch it comes away with their own interpretation of what it was about. Nearly everytime I watch it I come away with a different idea.

    And I’m generally not a pop, or J-pop kinda guy, but The Pillows do rock.

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