My biggest flaw as a film critic is that I like films way too much – I often don’t come down hard enough on a film, even if I know it’s bad. So it’s a lot of fun to take five films worthy only of a swift kick into a tar-pit and put them down. So long, crappy films, may we go one without your poopy presence.
Imagine a film where they edit out anything slightly interesting, leaving only essential plot points in the final product. Sounds insane, but that’s exactly how I would describe Eragon. It’s like Fox green lit a knock-off of The Lord of the Rings, and after the box office success of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, decided to edit it down to a PG. I will give the film one thing, it’s a great film to see at 10 p.m. and laugh at with some friends.
4) Little Man
What’s it like to be a professional comedian who spend two years of their lives creating a film full of tired and clichéd jokes that you only get laughs on a grade school playground? I couldn’t tell you, but why don’t you try asking any of the Wayans brothers, who gave us the unbelievably unfunny Little Man. The fact that several, presumably funny men would find this humor funny enough to put their reputations on the line by releasing it in a film isn’t just sad, it’s sort of intriguing. The fact that anyone could remain this immature for so long almost seems worthy of a psychological study to be published in medical journals.
3) Underworld: Evolution
I can enjoy action movies, but when the script has less priority than the wardrobe department in a movie, then I’ve got a problem. It wasn’t even good action, just vampires and werewolves fighting each other. Now that I think about it in retrospect, a movie where werewolves and vampires battle to the death sounds fairly effing A, but this simply isn’t the case in Underworld Evolution. I even enjoyed the first Underworld, so the fact that I hated this movie as much as I did should say something.
2) V for Vendetta
It might not be the worst film of the year, but Vendetta did piss me off more than anything else I’ve seen this year. An unabashed Matrix fan (I even liked – get this – The Matrix: Revolutions) I was excited for the Wachoswki written/produced ‘V;’ but thanks to the contrived but surprisingly typical ending, I feel like punching someone just thinking about it. This movie could have been a great Sci-Fi action film that, based off the Alan Moore graphic novel, stuck right up there with some of the best in the genre. Instead, it takes its great potential and sticks it down the pooper, ready to be flushed into oblivion.
What makes ‘Freedomland’ the worst movie of the year isn’t that it’s a bad movie, it’s that it’s a bad movie that thinks it’s a great movie. Preachy doesn’t even begin to cover this sob story about Julianne Moore having her child kidnapped. It could have been a powerful drama if made carefully, but instead it has more Drama than an entire year of Days of our Lives. Like a cake whose contents are 90% sugar, it’s too much of something that should be used sparingly. Samuel L. does what he can with a relatively subdued performance, but as far as I’m concerned the only person who could have saved this movie would have been a Hollywood exec who might have had the mercy to shelve this garbage. A true embarrassment to anyone involved, and almost an embarrassment to myself for not leaving the theater after five minutes.