Perfect Stranger – ½✩ ( out of ✩✩✩✩✩ )
One of my many annoyances is when somebody sees a bad play in football or a crappy movie and says “I could do it better than that!” I know it’s sarcasm, but the over-inflated ego it takes for any amateur to assume that they can outdo a professional at their own game bugs me. So it is with much consideration that I, as a film student, can say that had I been given directorial duties for Perfect Stranger, I could have made a film just as good if not better than the piece of garbage being thrown at us this weekend.
It’s done. Seriously, the Academy can erase her from their archives (and probably should,) because there’s no way there’s a shred of respect for Halle Berry after this film. The woman who was in Monster’s Ball is no more, replaced by the ditz who would be Catwoman. Perfect Stranger is so shitty that it’s hard to believe anyone could have ever looked at the film and responded with a sentence that didn’t include the dozens of profanities too appalling to be posted on as distinguished a website as Transbuddha.
Here’s how the film goes: Halle Berry is sassy and sexy! You go girl!! You go and sneak into Bruce Willis‘ company to spy on him and find out if he had anything to do with the murder of your childhood friend!!! Yeah girlfriend, whoo!!!! (Or at least that’s how its producers must have pitched it to the studio like.) The film goes on, trying to scare its audience with a mysterious conspiracy that isn’t as much mysterious as it is obvious and convoluted, ending with a twist that you’ll only see coming if you have an I.Q. with two numbers in it. It’s the oldest trick in the book and, hell, in the interest of keeping you from going to this film, I’m just going to go ahead and tell you that Halle Berry did it. There, I just saved you nine dollars and two hours. You can thank me below.
I mean, I guess it wasn’t totally a lost cause. Here are a few things of things I liked about the movie:
1 – It starts off okay, and by okay, I mean that you won’t be wishing you’d have brought your tantō to the theater so that you might relieve yourself from this slide-show of excrement being projected onto the screen by performing seppuku in your seat. No, it’ll be a good 30 minutes before you start think about that.
2 – In one scene, the song Nausea by Beck faintly plays in the background. I like that song.
3 – Uhh. . .
Oh, that and I guess Giovanni Ribisi is kind of entertaining as the tolken funny geek. Oh wait, no he’s not, because twenty minutes into the film, he turns out he’s a repulsive pervert who watches his friends have sex without them knowing! To Ribisi’s credit, it would have been impossible to pull of a character who’s a lovable, opposite of sexually threatening dork who dishes pop-culture references in one scene while creating a secret shrine to a woman in his hidden closet the next, but to whoever is responsible for creating the final character – the screenwriter, the actor or the director – I fart in your general direction.
It’s just crap, absolute monkey-flung crap. It tries to capitalize on being a film about female empowerment, but what comes out is a movie where all of the men are pansy ass-hats, the woman are powerful goddesses to be praised for their elegance and intelligence and the audience is a bunch of losers for having sat through the whole thing. I could go on and on, but I can feel my blood pressure mounting, and I have a bad family history.
On a polar opposite note, if you love bad movies then I absolutely recommend you see Perfect Stranger. Bring your friends and get ready to laugh like it’s no one’s business, because all of my brothers and sisters out there who find entertainment in the awful will not be likely to find a better time in theaters this year.
Perfect Stranger (½ out of 5 Stars) is rated R for sexual content, nudity, some disturbing violent images and language, with a running time of 109 minutes.