Live Free or Die Hard: a Team Tiger Awesome Review

by alphamonkey on June 27, 2007 · 0 comments

in Uncategorized

Team Tiger Awesome got a sneak peak at the latest in the John McClane legacy, “Live Free or Die Hard” (because Clint is a bigwig over at 20th Century Fox), but rather than, you know, writing a review, I was instead the lucky recipient of a rambling 4 AM phone call which I thought would be about bail money, but turns out was a symposium on the so kickass-ness of John McClane.

Here’s what they had to say:

Nick: John McClane is back! And this time he’s Black!

Clint: Shut up.

Nick: But seriously, it was ‘Live Free or Die Hard’, but it was more like, ‘Live Free, I’m Totally Hard’.

Clint: Yeah, it really did throb with the forceful vengeance of a spectacular male phallus.

Nick: Yeah, and boners.

Clint: Boners and tits.

Nick: Plus it was like, car chases and explosions.

Clint: … and John McClane.

Nick: … Boners …

Clint: Oh, and Lucy McClane totally grew up to be a hottie.

Nick: She looked like she was going to be a total B in the first Die Hard.

Clint: She was like 5.

Nick: I hate William Atherton.

Clint: Isn’t that the guy from Real Genius.

Nick: No that was Val Kilmer.

Clint: No, the other guy.

Nick: Lazlo?

Truly: Hey what are you guys talking about?

Clint: We’re reviewing Live Free or Die Hard.

Truly: Oh man, I can’t wait to see it.

Clint: Oh yeah … (nervous, silent beat) … us either … cause we didn’t see it the other night or anything.

Nick: It’s totally about the following … John McClane and the Apple guy team up to defeat the internet, played by a Billy Bob Thornton-esque Timothy Olyphant.

Clint: Also, Maggie Q played this installments version of Karl, the blonde dude ballerina.

Truly: Well, just so long as the dad from Family Matters comes back, I figure it’ll be worth the price of admission.

Nick: Good point, Truly. While this was the best movie ever made by people, I did miss one important thing. John McClane was not helped by a friendly African American gentleman.

Clint: Apparently the black community has withdrawn their support after 3 films worth of stalwart partnership.

Nick: They don’t say fuck in this one either, but don’t worry, we still do.

Truly: Wait a minute, fuck you guys, you got to see it didn’t you?

Nick: Don’t fucking take that tone with me.

Clint: Yeah, shut your sass-fucking mouth fuck.

Truly: I’ll fuck both of you guys !!!!

Nick: …..

Clint: …..


Nick: Seriously though Die Hard rules.

And the verdict is ….

Nick: On a scale of Argyle to Al Powell, I’ll give it the black dude from Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Clint: Would you stop talking about black people in Die Hards? I give it 6 out of 7 security locks, but the last one’s going to take a miracle.

Nick: You want a miracle, Clint, I give you the F-B-I.

Truly: Jude Law has a handsome face.

Nick: Thanks for contributing Truly.

Truly: Thanks for taking me, fucks.

Clint: Well I could sit here and talk Die Hard and men’s fashions all day long, but I’m afraid work must intervene … Aaron, the codes please.

There you have it, TTA’s late-night review of Live Free or Die Hard, presented in sleep-destroying ‘ramblo-vision’.

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