Team Tiger Awesome got a sneak peak at the latest in the John McClane legacy, “Live Free or Die Hard” (because Clint is a bigwig over at 20th Century Fox), but rather than, you know, writing a review, I was instead the lucky recipient of a rambling 4 AM phone call which I thought would be about bail money, but turns out was a symposium on the so kickass-ness of John McClane.
Here’s what they had to say:
Nick: John McClane is back! And this time he’s Black!
Clint: Shut up.
Nick: But seriously, it was ‘Live Free or Die Hard’, but it was more like, ‘Live Free, I’m Totally Hard’.
Clint: Yeah, it really did throb with the forceful vengeance of a spectacular male phallus.
Nick: Yeah, and boners.
Clint: Boners and tits.
Nick: Plus it was like, car chases and explosions.
Clint: … and John McClane.
Nick: … Boners …
Clint: Oh, and Lucy McClane totally grew up to be a hottie.
Nick: She looked like she was going to be a total B in the first Die Hard.
Clint: She was like 5.
Nick: I hate William Atherton.
Clint: Isn’t that the guy from Real Genius.
Nick: No that was Val Kilmer.
Clint: No, the other guy.
Truly: Hey what are you guys talking about?
Clint: We’re reviewing Live Free or Die Hard.
Truly: Oh man, I can’t wait to see it.
Clint: Oh yeah … (nervous, silent beat) … us either … cause we didn’t see it the other night or anything.
Truly: Well, just so long as the dad from Family Matters comes back, I figure it’ll be worth the price of admission.
Nick: Good point, Truly. While this was the best movie ever made by people, I did miss one important thing. John McClane was not helped by a friendly African American gentleman.
Clint: Apparently the black community has withdrawn their support after 3 films worth of stalwart partnership.
Nick: They don’t say fuck in this one either, but don’t worry, we still do.
Truly: Wait a minute, fuck you guys, you got to see it didn’t you?
Nick: Don’t fucking take that tone with me.
Clint: Yeah, shut your sass-fucking mouth fuck.
Truly: I’ll fuck both of you guys !!!!
Nick: Seriously though Die Hard rules.
And the verdict is ….
Clint: Would you stop talking about black people in Die Hards? I give it 6 out of 7 security locks, but the last one’s going to take a miracle.
Nick: You want a miracle, Clint, I give you the F-B-I.
Truly: Jude Law has a handsome face.
Nick: Thanks for contributing Truly.
Truly: Thanks for taking me, fucks.
Clint: Well I could sit here and talk Die Hard and men’s fashions all day long, but I’m afraid work must intervene … Aaron, the codes please.
There you have it, TTA’s late-night review of Live Free or Die Hard, presented in sleep-destroying ‘ramblo-vision’.