One More Reason to Hate Michael Bay

by alphamonkey on July 2, 2007 · 24 comments

in Uncategorized

Not that we needed one, but Mr. Michael Bay has given us one more reason to hate his guts.  Transformers opens tonight and let’s just say we were less than pleased.  I’m urging teh monkey to stay away because I care about his children (ever seen a monkey in a murderous rage? not pretty!).  So thanks Mr. Bay for transforming the kick ass franchise into a total suckfest and the biggest disappointment of the summer.

For more head on over to RazorFine Review and check out my review, or Ian’s angy, yet slightly more forgiving, review.

And make sure you check back tomorrow as December’s got a new review for License to Wed raring to go.

Be seeing you!

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  • vegetix

    SPOILER WARNING!

    Plot holes you could fit Unicron in.

    Megatron landed on our planet 1000 years ago.  Supposedly he was caught off guard when he encountered earth’s gravity… Sure I believe that his mega-advanced alien fighter jet would have so much trouble dealing with gravity…

    Megatron then freezes in the arctic circle which is obviously colder than the absolute zero of vacant space through which he was traveling.

    Apparently his plot was to use the all spark to turn all human technology into a new army… the technology of 1000 years ago…

    The movie then proceeds to explain that when discovered in (I believe) 1918 he indirectly etched the coordinates of the all spark into the glasses of someone that touched his finger.  The transformers fight for these glasses but it should not matter… the damn all spark was moved anyway in 1938 along with megatron and both were built into the hoover damn.

    The movie explains that all modern technology from the microchip to the car were reverse engineered from megatron.  I would like to know how a person could try to reverse engineer an alien space ship type jet… and get a car.

    Beyond the stupidity of this fact is the point that the first cars existed in the late 1800s. 

    If the time line of the movie pans out we now have megatron plotting to make an army from non existent human technology and then crashed 1000 years ago, being discovered in 1918 and then studied in 1938… a full 45 years after the first car company was established.  We then somehow reversed engineered him into a car and a time machine, gave the car to some guys 50 years earlier.

    The number of plot holes and retarded flaws I found in this movie makes my head spin.  But at least I learned that alien space ships are powered by an internal combustion engine.

    By the way have I just missed the giant mecha scorpions that roam the deserts of earth that Scorpinok scanned?

    I spent an hour telling my girlfriend, who wanted to see the movie, all the plot holes I found.

  • BADD

    I hate to say this, but these horrible reviews make me want to see this film so much more than before.

    Dare I say it…..

    Michael Bay has destroyed a childhood favorite of millions of young to middle aged people, he has spent a bloated budget on a script that a 5 year old could have written doped up on Thorazine, and has the sheer audacity to market this piece of vile putrid shat of a movie like it is the next Citizen Kane.

    He did all of this, and in the end totally redeemed himself by making an instant beutarded cult hit!  I still see this movie making money just for the simple fact that it is sooo fucking bad, people will have to go see it.

    I hope Mikey Bay gets ulcerated cancer sores all over his genitals and lives 114 years without finding a cure.

  • Playa

    screw you fool

  • BAD

    LOL!

    Well I certainly have been shown where to go.

    I simply can’t argue with your logic Playa, I bow to you.

  • Justin P. Novak

    Why do people hate Michael Bay? Well, that’s actually quite an easy answer. These people that you speak of that hate Michael Bay have an amazing device we use that we call a “B R A I N”. This tells us that Michael Bay is a talentless piece of money grubbing shit. In fact I’d rather drink liquid shit with dingle-berries floating around in it than watch another one of his movies. He had better not be a part of the Illuminati or else the entire universe may be in danger. I so hope Owe Boll beats this dudes ass so hard that the next Michael Bay wannabe feels it.
    -MICHAEL BAY, I HOPE YOU READ THIS- FUCK YOU! IF I EVER SEE YOUR ASS I’M GOING TO BEAT IT. HARD. BUT NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY. IM GOING TO GO JET LI ON YOUR ASS UNTIL YOUR NUTS CRAWL BACK UP AND COME OUT YOUR MOUTH. THAN IM GOING TO SHIT IN IT WHILE A GUITAR WAILS HARD IN THE BACKGROUND. THEN YOUR IDIOTIC ASS WILL LOOK UP TO SEE A 11 FT. NINJA WITH THE BIGGEST, BLACKEST BONER ALIVE, WHO WILL THEN, WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, POKE BOTH YOUR EYES OUT WITH HIS WEE-WEE WHILE CHOPPING YOUR PENIS OFF WITH HIS SWORD. ALL OF A SUDDEN, FROM OUT OF NO-WHERE, A CONVERTIBLE WILL SCREECH TO A HALT RIGHT ONTOP OF WHAT IS LEFT OF YOUR CORPSE AND WE SEE THAT IT IS INFACT A NINJA DRIVING THE CAR WITH HOT BABES RIDING SHOT GUN. MYSELF AND THE NINJA FROM EARLIER WILL THEN DOUBLE JUMP INTO THE AIR, LANDING THE IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE CONVERTIBLE WITH OUR SEATBELTS ON, AND THE CAR WILL DRIVE OFF INTO THE SUNSET WHILE TOTALLY AWESOME SPEED METAL IS PLAYING.

  • Just Plain Bob

    ::scattered applause::
    Maybe Mr. Novak is the one who should be making the movies…

    also, i enjoyed the new Transformers movie for one reason, and one reason only:
    they were my childhood obsession too, and I got to watch them blow crap up for a few hours on a really big screen.
    That’s really all I was looking for in that movie, anyhow.

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    Kudos, Mr. Novak. You’ve single-handedly raised the bar on anti-Micheal Bay rants while at the same time entertained us all with what will probably be the action hit of 2011.

  • BAD

    After painfully watching the movie, I have to retract some of the things I have said….

    It actually is not bad enough to be a cult classic. Also it made shit gobs of money so we’ll be getting the sequel soon.

    Michael Bay could film himself shitting On George Lucas’ head with explosions in the background and still gross thirty million dollars in the box office. Ironically, that would barely cover the camera costs for him.

  • MavMurdoc

    Holy shit, people! Get a fucking life. It’s a fucking action movie. Of course the plot will have a million holes in it, and it will never live up to the standards that you’re childhood fantasies came up with. It’s about giant robots fighting for Christ’s sake!

    My favorite thing about you jackasses is that you’re getting all up in arms about movie that has one obvious goal. TO SHOW ROBOTS BLOWING SHIT UP! If you went into the theater expecting any more than what is contained in that single sentence, you obviously need to get your head examined.

    Quit bitching about shit that I know none of you could have done better than!

  • http://www.transbuddha.com Cap’n Carrot

    Sorry MavMurdoc, I don’t buy the argument that action films can’t both be good and fun, that sci-fi or comic book movies need reach only to the level of cool special effects sans anything resembling compelling story or characters, or that mediocrity, from any genre, is acceptable.

    Transformers was horrible because it took a cool idea for kids (as crazy as it was) about robots who could transform into vehicles and drained all the fun out. The Autobots and Decepticons weren’t actual characters, but merely special effects which were meant to distract you from the fact that you had paid money for a trainwreck of epic scale.

    Michael Bay doesn’t get a pass for creating mediocre and horrifically bad films simply because he works mostly in a genre which audiences are more willing to let things slide.

    The film was bad. Period.

  • BAD

    I’m sorry that I require at least somewhat of a cohesive story to enjoy a movie. It’s one of my very many character flaws.

    I agree that I could probably not create a stunning visual experience on par with what Michael Bay produced here, but I can garanfuckingtee you I could write a much better plot and story. Retarded sloths doped up on Thorazine could write a better plot for the movie.

    We are comic and cartoon geeks, if you can’t handle us poo pooing a movie that in our minds destroyed an awesome franchise, then perhaps you should stick to IMDB reviews.

    Here is a small sample of what I would write.

    Opening scene:

    You see a small metallic looking spot slowly growing larger in the center of the screen. As the camera gets closer and closer you begin to hear noises of some kind of battle.

    As the form of the object becomes clear you realize it is a planet, but it has no atmosphere. It seems to be dark and made of various kinds of metal. As the camera pans in further you see it is crawling with movement. A giant war between what looks like robots is taking place.

    Quick jarring cut to the view of one of the robots in the melee. He has a built in heads up display and is receiving information in some form of binary code. He is running between explosions and firing repeated blasts of an energy weapon.

    He finds some cover and rests behind it. His HUD shows him downloading some kind of file. Once the file completes he opens the file and it shows coordinates and a picture of a planet with blue sky and green continents……

    There you have it.

  • FestusMA

    Megan Fox was SO hot in that movie.

  • BAD

    She is indeed hot. I can’t argue that one.

  • Just Plain Bob

    She has weird thumbs.

  • FestusMA

    I noticed that, too!

  • Bobzeaux

    Bad movies never get remembered; it’s the ATROCITIES that continue to be griped over 2 years since their release. >:P

    For those of you who give the classic “just shut your brain off and enjoy the explosions” arguement, I have one thing to say to you; Batman & Robin. That was by far the biggest, stupidest, and most extravagant Batman movie to date (everything that Bay’s movies somehow thrive on and get away with), yet you wouldn’t DARE give it the same overlooking that you give Bay and his movies. At least Batman & Robin, as ridiculous as it is, doesn’t have holes in logic you could fit a planet into.

  • MavMurdoc

    Bobzeaux… some movies are just plain bad (i.e. Batman & Robin).

    But sometimes I like watching movies that don’t require me to think. I get to just sit and watch pretty lights go boom (and hot women). Michael Bay at least delivers on that!

    My only point is that everyone, and I mean everyone, knows what to expect from a Michael Bay film, and if you ever go to see a film he’s directed and come out disappointed, it’s your own fault.

  • Blazeof Glory

    This is utterly ridiculous, the notion that Transformers or any of Bay’s movies suck is just pure hatefulness on the number of nay sayers out there. How can anyone judge what a great movie is. From a purely financial point Micahel Bay is a overwhelming success for any film industry. Comparing Bay’s films to that of Batman and Robin is pointless. 1st off Batman and Robin sucked because it didnt follow the formula that the Burton Batman films had already established. Though Burtons films of Batman werent as well crafted as Chris Nolan’s, they were still epic for the time they came out. Thus, Batman and Robin being horse garbage. Bay’s movies follow a set protocol of movie characteristics that sell movies and sell big. His movies are blockbusters, awe inspiring, eye candy too the extreme, wether it be half naked women or brain warping special effects the man is driven to give the movie goer a sense of extreme visual pleasure. Who cares if the actors arent spewing out 20 lines per scene, who cares if the characters dont develope into some kind of “whatever” they are supposed to develope into. Who freaking cares. Show me what every other movie wont, huge robots, twisting and contorting in to todays sickest automobiles, scantily clad women, and the ever so loving hero that tries to save the day. His movies are very simple and their purpose is do deliver a person from reality, giving the viewer if only for 2 in a half hours a freedom from lifes problems. Besides if you want to see some character development go watch “Juno or Silence of the Lambs”.

  • Blazeof Glory

    MavMurdoc, thats exactly how every1 should walk into a Bay movie. Knowing what your getting and stop hoping and wishing for something else.

    You know what I find interesting is that people will sit here and dogg out Transformers and Bay then turn around and go see it on the big screen. And I know, if for only a few seconds, something popped on that massive theater screen that had people’s mouth open, eyes wide open and pupils fully dilated all saying “that was some awesome ish right there.”

  • http://www.cyfn-clan.com Jonesey

    So, judging by his grammar and defense of Micheal Bay, I wonder if Blazeof Glory is a prepubescent boy or merely an idiot?

  • MavMurdoc

    What’s more prepubescent? A little bad grammar, or personally lashing out at someone for having a difference of opinion?

  • JFR

    People hate Michael Bay because he is a preening, smug asshole who makes movies that suck, and which perpetuate the basest of racial stereotypes.

    And NO, I am NOT going to say that then go see this monumental turd’s movies ANYWHERE.

    As far as I am concerned, the more degenerate humans defend this piece of human feces, and preen over his films, the more they prove themselves to be retards as well.

  • MavMurdoc

    *Sigh* I’ve already stated my opinion about Michael Bay films enough on this site that if anyone doesn’t know it by now they obviously can’t read. I’m not even going to rebut my stance against JFR.

    I just think that people’s differences and the ability to speak them freely is one of the things that makes this country great. Happy 4th of July (a little late)!

  • Bobzeaux

    “I like watching movies that don’t require me to think. I get to just sit and watch pretty lights go boom (and hot women). Michael Bay at least delivers on that!”
    So do too many other directors, and they get all kinds of crap from critics and audiences alike. What’s so different about Bay?

    “everyone, and I mean everyone, knows what to expect from a Michael Bay film, and if you ever go to see a film he’s directed and come out disappointed, it’s your own fault.”
    I didn’t know what to expect (there’s a first time for EVERYONE). What should that matter anyway? Does that give him persmission to make movies with pretty visuals and slipshod scripts?

    “the notion that Transformers or any of Bay’s movies suck is just pure hatefulness on the number of nay sayers out there.”
    Uh-huh, and what does that hatred come from? A dislike of bad movies. Nobody makes a conscious decision to hate anything when it would be so much more preferable to enjoy it instead.

    “How can anyone judge what a great movie is.”
    Apparently they’ve been doing it since cinema’s conception. Why should the line stop at Bay’s movies?

    “His movies are blockbusters, awe inspiring, eye candy too the extreme, wether it be half naked women or brain warping special effects the man is driven to give the movie goer a sense of extreme visual pleasure.”
    And Batman & Robin wasn’t that because…?

    “Besides if you want to see some character development go watch “Juno or Silence of the Lambs”.”
    I’ll never understand how someone will rebuke a negative comment about Bay’s work by suggesting that the naysayer should instead watch a movie with very little negative criticism put on it. :S We KNOW what good movies are. Shouldn’t every movie, despite the genre or release date, try to emulate some of these other movies in similar regards so that they too might gain such high critical remarks?

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