As you know, I traveled to Oklahoma this weekend for a family wedding (congratulations, Josh & Amanda!), but what you probably don’t know is that those 3 days constituted my longest disconnected trip in 4 years. No e-mail, no internet, and hell… I didn’t even follow the news until I picked up a NY Times in the airport on Sunday. I’d forgotten how nice that can be. Of course, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend Shawnee, OK as your laboratory if you’re looking to recreate the experiment. Sure, I got to have a delicious Braum’s hamburger for the first time in years, but we’re not talking an entertainment mecca here.
If anyone out there is a Holiday Inn executive, could you please answer me this: Regardless of your insane pricing scheme that puts a mainstream movie rental at 11 fucking dollars, could you explain why regular pay-per-view choices are limited to maybe 3 movies, while the hardcore pornography rental library consists of a staggering (and seemingly endless) number of titles which are varied enough to make Larry Flint weep with joy? Furthermore, please throat-punch the jerk who decided that 9 dollars for 90 minutes of GameCube play was a fair and equitable deal.
In related news I believe I’ve discovered a new slogan for the US air travel experience. In a perfect (and more honest) world, every airport would have a 45 foot high billboard planted firmly at the terminal entrance (with smaller posters every 100 yards or so inside the concourse) with the slogan: ”Fuck your comfort. Fuck your dignity, and most of all FUCK YOU“ overlaid atop a photo of a crying family. It’s only fair, as I’m beginning to think that the TSA and the airlines pay think tanks to come up with new ways to degrade and debase their customers every single day. Bad enough that short flights now ask you to fork over $3 for a 55 cent bag of chips (no thanks), or that the average seat space is less comfortable than a telephone booth that’s been dropped 50 stories, but do they really need to let the seats’ padding deteriorate to the point where all you feel is a thick slab of rebar across your back?
Let’s just all be thankful that our brave TSA and DHS personnel have found a way to make disposable lighters safe for air travel again. Here’s hoping that they’ll one day break the terrifying 3oz limit on liquids, allowing us to once again carry on our own water without it spontaneously turning into burning napalm at 3.1oz.
I’m a little amazed that we’ve collectively decided to catalog the indignities of modern air travel as ‘annoyances’ and not ‘cause for revolt’, but that aside I enjoyed a pleasant enough trip with family, and I’m glad to be back in the loving embrace of both my family and my digital mistress: The internet.