A question and an answer

by alphamonkey on August 11, 2008 · 5 comments

in Uncategorized

Kool-Aid ManTo take my mind off the death of Stax legend Isaac Hayes I proposed the following query:

>Why doesn’t the Kool-Aid man shatter when he smashes through a wall with his trademarked ‘Oh, YEAH!’?

Michael Truly has an answer:

Why, Sir?

Firstly, because he’s made of Pyrex. Also in the 80’s, walls as we knew them were much softer than they are today. This has everything to do with the gradiency of sand used as mortar for said walls. 80’s sand from the southern half of Africa is a softer richer sand resulting in a more refined look and a verisimilitude of cohesive quality on the overall project at the expense of strength.

The quality of current sand has much declined rather like how your grandparent’s still have those TV’s from the forties that still work but you just had to return your flat screen to best buy last week. However this decrease in quality results in many different kinds of sands mixed together usually the most popular and cheapest. (i.e. the varieties: Cornish Brown, McAdden Pale and Corinthian White)

The mixing of these granules, unequal in size, results in a much stronger but less attractive bond. With a resistance to force of almost 3X the PPSI of 80’s sand!

This is why Kool-Aid Man no longer bursts through walls but rather enters nonchalantly through doors and windows while you slumber. He thinks you look so beautiful and peaceful while you sleep.

While certainly compelling, I suspect the answer may be a bit more metaphysical than that.
Post your own theories in the comments!

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  • BAD

    Here’s my theory:

    Using ungodly sinful powers dredged up from the bowels of the hottest deepest parts of Hades, the corporate slaves in the advertising department of the Kraft Foods Company forged the glass carapace that the Kool Aid man calls a body.

    Since the glass is nigh unbreakable it took the darkest form of black magic to animate it. Filling the Kool Aid man with the blood of Care Bears (It’s sweet as can be!) and summoning three demons to instill life to his hideously delicious innards.

    This all done, he still did not have that iconic black eyes and mouth. These could only be burned on to the surface of the glass using the bellowed fire of burning My Little Pony corpses.

    Though the insides were alive (my god why!) The Kool Aid man was still unconscious. Only sustenance could awake this beast. I bet your curious what he eats….

    He eats souls!!!!! Souls of children! He usually only takes a little here and there from groups of kids who unfortunately are cast in his commercials. On his awakening, the Kool Aid man needed a whole school bus full of youngins to awake. They were bussed in from a catholic school, told they were going to get to see where candy is made.

    Once awake he would smile and smile and smile. The blood of Care Bears does that to you. Even if you are boiling angry or intensely twisted, you will always appear happy.

    The only way he could vent his twisted rage was to smash walls and buildings. The Kraft Corporation made sure he never physically hurt the children, though some have been blinded by accident from the dust his smashing created.

    So, there you go. He is a creature born of darkness, and only the fire of the deepest parts of hell could destroy his shell of glass.

  • http://www.dadsbigplan.com .alphamonkey.

    Okay, I’d buy that.

  • Recycled Miffery

    Backwards, superstitious cultures often resort to devil stories to explain the unknown, but I’m afraid this mystery has a much more mundane explanation:

    Kool-Aid Man does shatter nearly every time he bursts through a wall. As we all understand from Newton’s 3rd Law of Probability, however, there is always an approximately 1 to 7.3 billion chance of a glass pitcher striking a brick wall, collapsing it, without itself shattering.

    So, obviously, the television commercials were filmed in 7.3 billion parallel universes, and the only take that was edited for broadcast was the one in which KA Man doesn’t die. See also DC Comics.

  • BAD

    :D. I like that one.

  • Chef Bryan


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