Like a dog hell-bound on lapping up its own leavings, Hollywood has decided to make the next two years a seemingly non-stop run of remakes. Carrot found this list of upcoming or soon-to-be-released remakes back in December, but it wasn’t until I started reading about this summer’s remake of ‘The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3‘ that I took a long hard look at the list.
I’m not opposed to remakes in principle. In some cases (Ocean’s 11 for example), it’s an opportunity to give a half-assed idea the care it deserved. Or maybe a clever way to both honor and update a timely theme (say, the vastly underrated War of the Worlds), but in practice I’m beginning to think it’s a concentrated effort to hammer in every last nail on the coffin of my childhood and adolescence.
I mean, c’mon… HIGHLANDER? I’ll give you that the original has many, many flaws, but why do I suspect we’ll get a wall-to-wall Fall Out Boy-covering-Queen soundtrack and waaaay too much slo-mo action? Is the story of Connor McLeod really all that damn interesting? How about a remake of Short Circuit? The Birds? Or (and this one really hurts) Hellraiser? Hasn’t enough damage been done to that property? But oh, no… Not only do we have slated remakes for great films like Rosemary’s Baby, The Dirty Dozen, and Metropolis, but we can’t forget non-classics like Angel Heart. Seriously- motherfucking ANGEL HEART. Why not remake Meatballs, or Red Sonja? Oh wait…they are.
Take a gander at this list and sound off, people. Let’s hear what you consider either desecration or even a chance to reboot teh awesome.