My beloved co-workers,
Allow me to regale you with the terrifying true tale of Dream’s Damned Journey aka The historic battle of Man versus Nightmare’s Lane.
The opponents? One harried and exhausted farmer o’ the cube against a seemingly endless foul beast of many lanes and pock’d asphalt. The victor? Myself, of course, but credit must be given to the gloriously impish rainbow unicorn who appear’d quite unexpectedly ‘pon my auto-carriage’s dashboard just as all hope seemed lost; swallow’d whole by the never-sated maw of the duplicitous hydra that is the Jackson County roadway system.
I t’would certainly succumb’d to the dark velvet touch of the dishonorable Messr Sandman were it not for my horn’d equine associate’s fascinating oral dissertation upon the wonders of a wide range of libations of an alcoholic variety. Curiously, said liquid treasures were all named via a convention of strange and alluring adjectives assigned to exotic parts of this complex machine we know as the human body. While my education is vast and storied, t’was the first I have heard of princely delights such as a “creamy elbow” “Eastonian Adam’s Apple”, or the fiendishly complex “Kaiser Wilhelm’s Oscillating Fruitonic Foot Bone Pineapple Bomb”. T’was as if the mahogany toned, crushed taffeta curtains of ignorance had been joyously ripped away from the windows of mine otherwise ignorant mind!
Yea, verily! But while the voyage teased my senses with the desolate & dark caress of an endless sleep that neither man nor beast could vanquish, this missive finds me hale and hearty, if a bit road worn for my troubles. Please find this electronic mail device proof of man’s conquest over the indomitable hunger of that direst sleep, as well as a emphatic request for a complete dossier regarding the wondrous refreshments list’d a fore to be compiled and delivered upon my desk whence yonder come the morn.
Yours in Christ,
The Abominable Professor Pickles.