Even though I will wax nostalgic over the now-lost childhood ritual that was Saturday Morning Cartoons, I’m not so enamored of those days that I forget that Saturday morning was often a dumping ground for the most callous, blatant marketing rip-offs of all time, as well as a few ideas that make me wonder how my entire generation isn’t living under a bridge blowing hobos for sterno and meth.
Like say, Turbo Teen, which I believe was pitched thusly:
TV Exec #1: Knight Rider. Kids like Knight Rider. Make a cartoon of that.
TV Exec #2: Hasselhoff won’t play ball. We can’t make margin if we have to pay him in cocaine.
TV Exec #3: What if….what if it was Knight Rider, but with a kid? And instead of having a car AND a kid, the kid turns into a car? But only when he’s hot.
TV Exec #2: We can’t have a show where a teen turns into a car every time he gets a boner.
TV Exec #3: No, no…just like…warm. “Oh crap, my sweater is too warm…Holy shit, I’m a CAR!” And to turn back, he has to get cold!
TV Exec #2: You are out of your fucking mind, Murray.
TV Exec #3: THIS IS AWESOME. How do you not see that? In your face, Knight Rider! In your face Teen Wolf! A kid who turns into a CAR!
TV Exec #1: Hmm…that’d save us some scratch on voice talent at least…
TV Exec #3: MAKE IT SO.
TV Exec #2: Ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…..
And thus, the world was given this:
Cap’n? You’re welcome.