The Apparition

by mr sparkle on August 24, 2012 · 2 comments

in Film

Guess what! This poor pretty lady and her boyfriend that looks like a fat-faced Robert Pattinson are being haunted by some sort of ghost!

Fuck, that’s terrible!

What can they possibly do about this? We’ll, they’ve got a few ideas. One is to install security cameras. Another is to sleep outside in a tent. What, neither of those worked? This isn’t looking very good.

Lucky for them, Draco Malfoy shows up playing a scientist! Science is good for solving problems! Maybe science can kill the ghost.

These are all things that happen in The Apparition, which is a very bad movie.

After we see a ghost haunt some people in a couple of very scary prologues (SPOILER ALERT – they are not scary), the plot kicks into gear when we meet our leading actress and leading actor – Ashley Greene and Sebastian Stan – both of whom are very bad at acting, they should stop doing it. Draco Malfoy is a much more interesting actor, if just because of his accent.

As we meet Ashley Greene, who plays a very nice lady (In one scene, she gets along very well with her co-workers. In another, she gives a little girl a puppy! aww), and Sebastian Stan, who plays a nice person too, I guess. We discover that the couple are happy and in love. Oh, the life that awaits these lovers – who knows, marriage may be closer than they realize!

(This whole first act moves along so slowly and with enough false smiles that I tricked myself into thinking it’d be like the beginning of Blue Velvet. Like at any moment, we’re going to see maggots fucking in the dirt and it will actually become a scary-as-nuts ghost story. But that was wishful thinking on my part.)

Each scene in The Apparation feels like it’s coming off of a scary movie checklist. “Well, we’re going to need a scene that’s shot with a shitty camera with lots of interference.” “Well, we’re going to need a scene where something adorable dies.” “We’ll, we’re going to need a scene where a pretty lady is nakers just outside of the frame.” All of those things happen in The Apparation so, yep, I guess it’s a horror film.

This is probably the worst review I’ve ever written, but this was an artistic decision on my part – me being an artist. Why? Because it relates the half-assedness of The Apparition, which if I haven’t mentioned is a very bad movie. Other than three genuinely creepy shots, this thing is just a trough of pigshit. Never scary. Never interesting. Rarely amusing.

It’s very bad.

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  • Richard

    The Blue Velvet line just killed me. Bravo, good sir. Bravo.

  • Riley

    What a letdown! If a movie isn’t scary, I’d hope that there is a bit of humor in it, but it doesn’t seem to have that either. The trailer is what made the movie seem good. Some of my friends and Dish coworkers even thought that the movie was going to be worth watching. I’ll probably add it to my Blockbuster @Home queue so I don’t have to waste the money. Maybe I will see The Possession when it comes out! Hopefully it’s not the same disaster as The Apparation.

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