Fuck, that’s terrible!
What can they possibly do about this? We’ll, they’ve got a few ideas. One is to install security cameras. Another is to sleep outside in a tent. What, neither of those worked? This isn’t looking very good.
Lucky for them, Draco Malfoy shows up playing a scientist! Science is good for solving problems! Maybe science can kill the ghost.
These are all things that happen in The Apparition, which is a very bad movie.
After we see a ghost haunt some people in a couple of very scary prologues (SPOILER ALERT – they are not scary), the plot kicks into gear when we meet our leading actress and leading actor – Ashley Greene and Sebastian Stan – both of whom are very bad at acting, they should stop doing it. Draco Malfoy is a much more interesting actor, if just because of his accent.
As we meet Ashley Greene, who plays a very nice lady (In one scene, she gets along very well with her co-workers. In another, she gives a little girl a puppy! aww), and Sebastian Stan, who plays a nice person too, I guess. We discover that the couple are happy and in love. Oh, the life that awaits these lovers – who knows, marriage may be closer than they realize!
(This whole first act moves along so slowly and with enough false smiles that I tricked myself into thinking it’d be like the beginning of Blue Velvet. Like at any moment, we’re going to see maggots fucking in the dirt and it will actually become a scary-as-nuts ghost story. But that was wishful thinking on my part.)
Each scene in The Apparation feels like it’s coming off of a scary movie checklist. “Well, we’re going to need a scene that’s shot with a shitty camera with lots of interference.” “Well, we’re going to need a scene where something adorable dies.” “We’ll, we’re going to need a scene where a pretty lady is nakers just outside of the frame.” All of those things happen in The Apparation so, yep, I guess it’s a horror film.
This is probably the worst review I’ve ever written, but this was an artistic decision on my part – me being an artist. Why? Because it relates the half-assedness of The Apparition, which if I haven’t mentioned is a very bad movie. Other than three genuinely creepy shots, this thing is just a trough of pigshit. Never scary. Never interesting. Rarely amusing.
It’s very bad.