ZolarCzakl

For some reason I’ve been totally going nuts over David Lee Roth-era Van Halen lately. I’m totally sold on the idea that the first three Halen albums are some of the finest hard rock music that has ever been bashed out by four drunken loons. But yes, my love for the band has always waned by the time of their mega-hit album, 1984.

But a recent viewing of the incredibly over-the-top video for ”Hot For Teacher“ is making me re-evaluate this. When this video was made the band was extremely popular and rich, and it’s pretty clear that the success was going to their heads. The band members were turning into cartoon characters, with their “wild and crazy” frontman Mr. Roth leading the charge like a coked-out Napoleon lion tamer.

No wonder the band splintered away from their singer shortly after this. I mean after the insanity of this video, where the hell could they go next?

And that’s why I love early Van Halen more and more with each passing day. Watch this video and see what I’m talking about.

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Women And Children First

In the book The Devil’s Disciples: The Truth About Rock Music, Christian author Jeff Godwin states that whenever you hear a scream or squeal from the singer on a heavy metal record, it’s because that singer is being anally penetrated while in the studio. It’s funny that after hearing about this, my first thought was, “Wow. David Lee Roth must have an anus of steel!”

If you grew up in the 80’s like I did and you were a fan of the rawk music, chances are you’ve listened to a bit of Van Halen in your time. I only really care about the first three Halen albums, you know, way before they started using all those pussed-out keyboards and got that curly-haired fat guy as their singer. Sure Eddie Van Halen’s crazy guitar technique influenced a million fast-playing guitar players around the globe and kick-started a glam-metal revolution of sorts, but for me Van Halen is David Lee Roth and his billions of little screams. 

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He’s In You

by ZolarCzakl on April 26, 2006 · 0 comments

in Uncategorized

Alright people, check this out: This is the first in a series of utterly brilliant weekly articles that will, no crap, change your lives. What you have to do is let my words enter your eyes and slowly seep into your heart, then into your liver and kidneys before eventually settling into your soul. Then the heart will rule the mind and with one look, love will be blind.

Then if you free your mind and let your ass follow, I think you’ll finally realize how much you depend on your weekly dose of ZolarCzakl’s holy words. Come to daddy and let him give Baby its medicine.

Click to hear 'I'm In You'

“Because of the confidence ‘…You’ have given me, I dedicate this album to all of You.”

There he sits with that frilly, patched-together shirt draped across his hairy, Adonis like torso, silky maroon trousers glowing like a teenage girl’s night light. That hair, that stare. Sexxxy. He looks right into the eyes of you and I, letting every person, no matter what personal beliefs one may have or what walk of life one comes from, know without a shadow of a doubt that he, Peter Frampton, is indeed, IN YOU.

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Guess what, kiddies? Jim Morrison is alive and well and living in Oregon! Not like Elvis, Andy Kaufman, or Jesus. Those guys are dead. Jim’s alive and he’s a rancher! No shit! For some reason, after all these years Jim has allowed himself to be discovered and videotaped singing songs and ropin’ the wind.

His “friend and manager”, Gerald Pitts, has been taking ol’ Jim on a tour of radio shows where he’s been telling eager listers how he’s now a cowboy. Fortunately for us, Gerald has been kind enough to videotape Jim talking about his current life and singing some of his old Doors hits.  You can buy it for only $24.95, as well as a 11×17 autographed drawing of Jim by Shane Pitts, whoever the hell that is.

Get the skinny at www.rodeoswest.com!

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It’s no secret that alphamonkey and I love Marc Bolan, that loveable dainty Brit rock god and creative force behind 70’s glam band T. Rex. This man who once proclaimed “Give me a C-major chord and I’ll give you a thousand melodies” had a knack for writing truly great songs that also just happened to have some of the worst lyrics of all time. It takes balls to sing “I got a powder-keg leg and my wig’s all pooped for you” while wearing a feather boa and fending off hundreds of nubile beauties who want to rip your clothes off. He had an incredible amount of confidence and didn’t care if anyone thought he was ridiculous. 

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The story of Smile, the legendary lost Beach Boys album of 1966-67, is a long and sordid tale, a classic rock and roll myth borne out of creator Brian Wilson’s growing insanity and steady drug intake. In the early 60’s the Beach Boys had been the quintessential American pop band, churning out finely crafted songs about cars and girls whose often-times intricate arrangements were overshadowed by the sheer melodicism and commerciability of the tunes.

The mastermind behind the writing, arranging, and production of the Beach Boys’ hits was Brain Wilson, a boy wonder of sorts who in a few short years had become one of the top producers in all of pop music. By 1966 he had tired of the group’s “fun in the sun” image and wanted to express himself on a more emotional and mature level. This was accomplished with the critical favorite Pet Sounds, which is now universally recognized as a masterpiece but at the time was a relative commercial failure.

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Dear Surak,

I can’t express how happy I am that I found your website. Ever since I first saw you on that episode of the original Star Trek where Abe Lincoln is floating out in space on that big chair, I’ve wanted the opportunity to talk to you. My desire to ask you awesome questions about my exciting and rewarding life has only been heightened since I completely lost the ability to tell the difference between what’s real and what’s on TV. Since you are the father of all Vulcan logic and thought, it seems reasonable that you would spend most of your time answering letters from people like me on your really cool looking website. So let me tell you a little bit about myself:

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Just One Band

by ZolarCzakl on April 4, 2005 · 4 comments

in Uncategorized

Exhibit A: Yellowcard

Most new stuff that I hear on the radio today all sounds the same. I can’t take this new trend in pop music where the instrumental backing sounds like watered-down, slickly produced pop-punk and the vocals sound like those nasty boy bands that we thought we got rid of a few years ago. Well, kiddies, I’ve got something to tell you: the boy bands are still here! They’ve just got a new disguise, and I’m afraid it’s all morphing into something even more sinister, more, dare I say… EMO!

Well, all of this got me thinking. Since the bands today all sound the same and this whole thing seems to be about image over any sort of musical substance (a hallmark of bad pop music throughout the ages), I think it’s entirely possible that there’s really just one band out there recording all of these songs under various band names. “Oh come on, man,” you might say to me. “Your cynicism and paranoia has truly reached an all-new pathetic level. Get over it! If you don’t want to hear it, just don’t turn on the damn radio!” Well, boys and girls, I can’t just sit on my laurels and let a huge musical conspiracy like this continue unexposed, now can I? My conscience simply wouldn’t allow it. Now let me break it down for you:

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We all have dreams. It’s just that some of them we think are too wild to be realized, that is, we lack the courage to take a notion that might seem strange and bring that notion to fruition. Well, the ever-resourceful alphamonkey has brought to my attention an artist that breaks those rusty death-shackles of conformity and soars high above all who dare to gaze upon him with heavenly wings of pure invention. That artist: Mr. Gregory Jacobsen.I can honestly say that Gregory Jacobsen is my favorite artist on the face of this hostile yet fragile planet. You see, I’m a bit jealous of him. I know it’s petty of me, but I’m going to lay it all on the line for you, my lovely and loyal Transbuddhists. I’ve always wanted to paint pictures of meat creatures having sex, but I lack the courage and the talent. I’ve got a really crappy punk band that I’m in and when I sing I sound a whole lot like an extremely gay version of Jello Biafra, but I’ve never gotten up the nerve for us to play out. Well, Gregory Jacobsen has realized that dream too!

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Pete’s Dragon: The Best Movie Ever Made

by ZolarCzakl on February 4, 2005 · 7 comments

in Uncategorized

Let’s take a little trip back to that golden era known as the late 70’s, where every boy seemed to have a bowl haircut (me included) and everyone in the entertainment industry seemed to be on cocaine. Disney executives were probably flying high atop that white magic mountain when they gave the greenlight to movies such as The Black Hole, Herbie Goes Bananas (“Ocho! Ocho!”), The Shaggy D.A., and Pete’s Dragon, which I am telling you, no shit, is THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

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