I’m a firm believer in the idea that anything Roland Emmerich makes a movie about is guaranteed to never, ever happen, but this year will mark the release of his latest disaster-porn epic, 2012. Granted this time around he’s decided not to use Art Bell as a scientific reference, but I’m not sure the Mayan mythologies are a better bet than late night AM schizo-fantasy.

Of course, with Yellowstone National Park getting all rumblely-bumblely as of late, mayhap we’re closer to the end than we were two days ago. Now that I think about it, we HAVE seen the rise of a charismatic individual whose powers of persuasion could indeed create a new world order. No, no.. not Obama. I’m talking about the far more powerful force of personality.

I speak of coures, of Vince Deal. He of ShamWow fame, and now the amazing Slap Chop! Behold the combined glory:

“You’re gonna love my nuts!” Indeed. And when he says you’re tuna salad will give you a more exciting life, he of course means a more exciting life tempered in the blistering hot crucible of pain and fire that is the coming apocalypse.

It’s the End Times, baby! Everybody booze up and RIOT!

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